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Friday, September 23, 2005

Some Bullshit

I like to buy cheap cars. I don’t feel the need to tweak my life-style just so I can afford a “sweet ride.” A car to me is a tool; a device I use to transport me where I need to be. Don’t get me wrong: I love cars. I could go on forever about Trans-Am’s, and horse-power, and quarter-mile times, etc. However, I am also a practicalist. No matter how much I revere a machine, (like my computer) if it does what I want, then it’s good enough. If it looks great, but does nothing useful, then it’s of no use to me. Take my woman for example. Tonight I needed to pop one off, so I put on the Barry White and got her ready. After some warm-up, I lit the pimp-candles and did my thing. When I was done, I stoked a Marlboro Light, sat up, and pulled the plug to let my baby deflate. When “Stormy Weathers” went flat, I rolled her up and put her back in the box that she was shipped in, and slipped her back under my bed.

“Stormy” is a device that works, and one that I will continue to use, so long as it is practical to do so. I will continue to buy cheap cars, so long as it is practical to do so.

What has happened over the last two weeks is a perfect example of Murphy’s Law. Let’s say, that you buy a car from your best friend for cheap that needs some minor repairs. The car is very fuel efficient and has a track record of being reliable. What are some outcomes that might happen?

1. The repairs go smoothly and you register your vehicle normally.
2. The repairs fail, and you have to spend 3X as much money at the shop.
3. The repairs go smoothly, but you discover a more serious mechanical fault.
4. The repairs go smoothly, but your friend really never owned the car, so after you spent hundreds of dollars to repair and insure your new car, you find out the car is sill under lien from years ago, and can not be registered in your name because you need a lien holders release from the original lender, but they won’t give you one because the person that sold the car fraudulently to your friend defaulted on the loan and now refuses to take responsibility.

Number 1-3 are all very likely, but number 4 could never happen, right…right?

Repayment to me by the party responsible for this debacle will include grape-feeding and fanning with palm leafs, while I lay clad in an Arabic dish-dash, sipping on a rum-and-coke. You know who are.

-Tommy Masterson.



Read this, It will make you a better person

Friday, September 16, 2005

Moral Questions

Have you ever received the "Are you a psycho" mass email? If you have not, it gives you a story about a woman and a funeral, yadda-yadda, I'm sure you have heard bout or have read it. I got it first from the MOD about 3-4 years ago.


I received the question again in an email and decided to write my own moral questions.

You awake in the predawn hours to the sound of your newborn baby wailing in pain. When you enter the baby’s room, you find a cloaked man cackling manically, holding your baby in one arm, and you see to your horror that the intruder has stuck a syringe that contains an amber colored liquid in the infants opposite arm, and his free thumb is circling over the plunger menacingly. He offers you a choice:

“Give unto me you child, and all that you ever thought that would make you happy, will be yours. Free this child from my grasp and it will be yours, and it will grow to be old, but you both will be doomed to live a long life of pain and suffering, never to experience a single moment of happiness, ever.”

What is your choice?


Your HIV positive best friend is about to be married to your worst enemy, somebody you absolutely hate. Your enemy doesn’t know that your best friend is HIV positive.

Do you tell them?

While hiking along some cliffs with your two best friends that you have known for 20+ years. There is a rock slide, and you end up belly down on the edge of a cliff, with a friend holding on to each arm, hanging above a 200’ drop. Their only life lines are your left and right arms. You are slipping, if you do not do something soon, all three of you will die. Both are pleading to you to pull them up, but your grip is fading fast, and you are starting to slide over the precipice. You know that you can’t save them both, but you might be able to save one…might, you have almost no strength left. You know you defiantly can save yourself. Both are pleading with you for their lives, with terrified screams, and tears in their eyes.

What do you do?

Please do not post anwsers. Just think (if you can) about what you would do in these situations, not about how you are expected to anwser.

-Tommy Masterson

Read this, It will make you a better person

Sunday, September 11, 2005

1/2 Price Books Week 2

I went back to 1/2 Price Books today and found some more great deals. I got The Sims 2 DVD edition, Master of Orion 2, (MOO 3 kinda sucked) and the books The Universe in a Nutshell by Stephen Hawking and The Savage Nation by Michael Savage all for $53.34. Not bad consdering that The Sims 2 alone is still $49.99 in most stores. Going to 1/2 Price Books on at least a bi-monthly basis has been a tradition for me and the MOD since art school in Dallas, nearly ten years ago. The MOD said that I should start a weekly review of the things I buy there every week and I think its a good Idea.

-Tommy Masterson



Are you a PEEP?


Read this, It will make you a better person

Thursday, September 08, 2005

The Worst Poem, Ever

Below is a poem that I received in an email. It is hands down the WORST poem ever written in any language.

Warning! Reading this is like watching five priests rape an alter boy clad in gimp suit complete with a ball-gag.


The following is completely unedited, save for removing the ">" marks in each line.

Tommy Masterson now presents:

30 Second Video # 18
By Kelly

Why when one is confronted with Objective
Reality..... he searches for an "out"?
A way to avoid making a decision that
requires some sort of "line
in the sand"?
Will donning a down vest protect
him from an oncoming speeding train,
if he is walking down the
tracks?

Maybe the warmth makes him feel "warm & fuzzy"

Watch these 30 second clips and ask yourself.......
where is my "line in the sand"?
Or, how can I shield my mind from
irrefutable evidence.....

Free fall physics is simply that ......
To get freefall speeds....
you can not have resistance...
it is physics. Resistance
would slow any fall....
Like OH maybe the resistance of 80 floors
of solid steel concrete reenforced structure..

Oh on that pesky physics thing.....
When is the
last time you saw a Kerosene Heater melt
from burning its own fuel. That owner quality metal.
Jet fuel = kerosene... It
Burns very fast and at
very low temperature.
So how did it cause an entire
structure (two ofthem)
to fall down and go boom?

To secure a "free fall" political climate....
you also want NOresistance.
I guess this is what mom meant when she
admonished me to actually think!!
Because Wolfs eat Sheep..... that
is what they do

Secure us please, from our protectors.

Kelly

This makes NO FUCKING SENSE AT ALL! What this reads like is less a poem, (is it?) and more like a teenage Guru pot-head dispensing wisdom to his pot-heads acolytes. One of them probably said, “Dude, that’s INSANE! You have GOT to post this on the web!”

This “poem” reminds me of Slater in “Dazed and Confused” discussing the historical significance of aliens, George Washington, and the one-dollar bill.

"And it's green too!"

-Tommy Masterson


Read this, It will make you a better person

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Learn About the Weather

The link I have provided for you below is a great place to begin to learn about weather, and more specifically, the formation of tropical cyclones.

The tragedy of New Orleans and the gulf coast was not just predicable, but has been predicted for years.

http://ww2010.atmos.uiuc.edu/(Gh)/guides/mtr/hurr/grow/home.rxml

Read this, It will make you a better person

Thursday, September 01, 2005

A Test



I just want to see if this works...
shit ill have to work on this...

Read this, It will make you a better person

Another Oldie

I wrote this on October 2, 2003 and sent it in a mass email.

Astrological Honesty


I have always been somewhat interested in astrology, found it highly interesting and all that, but until a very good friend of mine started telling me the about how in depth it really is, I never gave it more then a passing credence. I took it upon myself to research on the subject, and I have to admit that I was absolutely fascinated with what I found, (And not a little freaked out!) One thing I did notice however this tendency to gloss over each signs bad traits. Even when one was mentioned, it was usually followed by a “but.” I have prepared what I feel is an honest representation of the signs.
Aries:
Ever watch Wyle E Coyote charge head long after Roadrunner? Then you know what being an Aries is all about. Aries is full of desire, but lacks common sense. The average Aries is a raging alcoholic and spouse abuser. These are the people you see brawling at little league games.

Taurus:
When the most powerful earthquake in American history occurred near New Madrid, MO in the 19th century, the biggest river in America actually flowed the other way for a time. A short time. You need to have the most powerful shake up imaginable if you want to change the mind of these assholes…unless they haven’t made up their mind yet. Then you can pretty much mold them in whatever shape you want. Hamburger even.

Gemini:
All Gemini’s are manic-depressive or have more serious mental issues. The vast majority of Thai hookers are Gemini (men and women both). They have great mental abilities, but this is tempered by their cockamamie ideas, and unwarranted arrogance. Most Gemini’s die young. The most famous Gemini I can imagine was JFK.

Cancer:
Well put. These people are a detriment to the entire human race. They are very sensitive and caring…as long as you have money. Females tend to be gold-diggers, leeches and prostitutes. Males then to be… Well maybe in one area women have achieved equality with men.

Leo:
These people have an ego the size of the sun. Which is strange because the vast majority of Leo’s achieve practically nothing that matters in the real world. The stress they feel is great because the supposed king of the jungle (no lions live in the jungle BTW) is basically impotent. Most Leo’s are murders or rapists.

Virgo:
Every Virgo on the face of the earth has a feather duster in one hand, and a mirror in the other. If somebody isn’t around to tell the Virgo how attractive they are every 12 minutes, the Virgo will most likely commit suicide. Unless the house is dirty. Virgo men tend to be the “female” in their mostly homosexual relationships.

Libra:
Libras will do anything you want them to if you tell them how great they are. Almost all Libras die of venereal disease. Libra men will have sex with a snake if you hold it straight for them. Libra women believe themselves to be living works of art, and are usually fat, then they die of venereal disease or morbid obesity.

Scorpio:
The perfect asshole. Nobody likes Scorpio, and Scorpio likes nobody. Anybody that rubs you the wrong way, or tries to take advantage of you can safely assume is a Scorpio. Most of the men Hitler appointed to run his death camps was a Scorpio…that applied for the job.

Sagittarius:
Half man, half beast, all cocksucker. Most armed robbers are Sagittarius. These people usually end up as stand up comics, or prison bitches. This is the jackass at the bar who won’t shut up. This can also be the guy with the biker gang tattoos that is your moms “friend.”

Capricorn:
If they were to remake the astrological symbols, I believe this one would take the place of Libra as having the scales. The scales of justice. It seems that all Capricorns end up on trial for some kind of money laundering or investment scam. Many politicians are Capricorn…the ones that end up in Marion, IL.

Aquarius:
The water bearer indeed. This sign rains on everybody’s parade and generally makes everybody around them cringe when they come close. Possibly the most self-righteous, arrogant sign on the chart…and the ones lest justified to feel that way. Females will have 4 kids by 3 fathers by the time they are 25, (average) then tell you what’s wrong in your life. The males tend to be pedophiles.

Pisces:
The ultimate liars, suicidal and often vengeful. Ever watched a show about salmon spawning? There is always that shot of the bear plucking a juicy fish and devouring it. All Pisces share this fate. And they all know it. I find it ironic that the symbol of Jesus is a fish, yet no Pisces ever born shares a single trait with him. However the ever lovable fish-symbol shares many traits with Satan.
-Tommy Masterson

Read this, It will make you a better person