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Sunday, December 25, 2005

Wizards of Winter

Merry Christmas!


Today I wrote 5+ pages about how Christmas (Cristes Maesse, “The Mass of Christ”) was started by the 4th century Romans to cover for a pagan holiday, about how Protestants did not celebrate Christmas (because of it’s Roman Catholic origin) until the late 19th century, and how the Christmas tree and the giving of gifts at the Winter Solstice was rooted in Babylonian Baal worship, and the mystery religion of Nimrod, circa 2000 BC… I love History.

People tell me I ramble on and on. Oh well that’s how I roll!

Fuck all that.

You know what? As cynical as I am, it doesn’t matter how this holiday came to be, I enjoy it every year, and I love to see people happy at Christmas time. I love Christmas lights, and I love Christmas music. I love the whole modern celebration of Christmas.

Tommy’s Tips for Christmas:

1) Hug your Mother

2) Thank your Father

3) Thank your Friends

4) Forgive the people that wronged you

5) Give thanks to whatever God (me preferably) that you believe in, for every breath you take, every move you make and every step you take… remember I am watching you.

6) Remember, it was the thought that counted.

7) You're an asshole, and most people hate you, but your family and friends love you anyway.

God bless America, and have a Merry Christmas,

-Tommy Masterson



Read this, It will make you a better person

Saturday, December 17, 2005

F3ar MY Ski11z!

I was able to krack into Lil' Jon's home computer last night and took this screen shot of a new rap he is writing. Check it out:



If the screen shot is too blurry to read, here is the text:

….da=da-da-da daa
YO YO YO YO

I got money..(cheers) !!!!
Ya I gots money (cheers)!!!!
I rip you fool who think I was funny

Watcha gonna do YA
Watcha gonna do,
Pimp life, GG and spring I gots money,
Yahh
I gots money Yahhh
I Gots Money Yaessss!

Bling dope king on tip “YEAHH!”

One time trigga dope, nigga loc,
Bitch dat runs tha’ store is a slope-1

Gotta be real with this… flex my guns hold my cock in chase the fun…son you gots the gun …2001 son and shits begun!

One Money son, and the shits begun…”naaaaaa”

UH-oh Uh-oh break down easy, shit lawn flok call dis EASY.
?????????? da break here?

It will be interesting to see if this is on his new CD.

-Tommy

Read this, It will make you a better person

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Let’s Be Real

These are a few words and idioms used in the 21st century American lexicon that I find highly annoying. I don’t mind the use of these devices in casual conversation at all; they do have their place and purpose, however I do mind when people are not honest about their motivations and intentions.

1.) “Dating”

If you are over the age of 18 and you say that you are “dating” somebody, that really means that you’re fucking them, or about to start fucking them.

Take some basic Human social interactions like a shared meal, watching a movie, talking on the phone, taking a walk, a laugh at an inside joke, sharing feelings and experiences, talking about your hopes and dreams… Sounds a lot like something you might do on a date? It also sounds a lot like something you might do with your family or friends. So what is the difference between dating and the interaction between you and your friends and family? Sex, of course.

Let’s be real for a moment. If you say that you are “dating” somebody, that implies that you are having conjugal relations with them, even if you are or not. A “date” is what you are doing when you are not having sex, as sex or immanent sex is the line in the sand between dating and other interpersonal relationships.

“Dating” and “fucking” are completely interchangeable in a modern conversation. For example:

“I’m dating this guy,”
“I’m fucking this guy,”
“I just started dating this new chick,”
“I just started fucking this new chick,”
“We have been dating for months,”
“We have been fucking for months,”

Why must we sugar coat the actual nature of an intimate relationship? Since we all know that sex is the defining factor between romantic and a plutonic relationships, I submit to you that when the nature of a relationship is being discussed, it should be defined unambiguously.

Let’s all be honest from now on. Instead of “date,” start saying “fuck.”

2.) Racism

In 21st century USA, racism has come to mean several things in popular culture:

A: When any white person does anything to offend anybody of any another race.
B: When any non-Jewish person says the word “Jew,” or when any non-black says the word “Black.”
C: When any white person is hired for a job instead of an applicant of another race, even if the white applicant has better qualifications or experience.
D: Having light skin, period.

Just as you can in no way understand the anger and frustrations of black people in America unless you are black, you can not understand the anger and frustrations of white people because they feel that they are not able to discuss racial issues at all, for fear of being labeled as racists. I try to break this mold and tell it like it is, however. Try that is.

I personally believe that almost everybody on Earth is basically cast from the same mold, and the same social drives motivate nearly everybody on Earth. The KGB in the former Soviet Union understood this, (the Russians may be the most racist people on the planet; they uniformly describe every racial entity in their domain that is any color than white as “The Blacks”) and knew what the Party and the people did not; that there were four motivations that drove every man and woman on the planet, no matter what race. The KGB called this the M.I.C.E. principal:

Money
Ideology
Conscience
Ego

The KGB knew that if you could figure out what was the primary motivation behind a person; then this could be exploited for their own ends. It should be noted that the KGB was widely regarded as the best intelligence agency in the history of the world.

Back on topic now. How many times have you witnessed something like this on a comedy show:

When a black comic satires whites, EVERYBODY laughs hard.
When a white comic satires blacks, EVERYBODY goes: “Uh-ohhhh”, “ummmmm”, “oh no”, “he didn’t say that!”
When a black comic satires blacks, EVERYBODY laughs, except whites; they chuckle nervously while looking around to see if a black person is watching them.
When a white comic satires whites, EVERYBODY laughs hard.

White people are so scared of being called racist that they completely shut down when they are confronted with the race issue.

The term racism is suffering from overuse; it really doesn’t mean much anymore. When somebody shouts “racism!” it garners about as much attention as a shrieking three-toned car alarm.

3.) Sexism

This is nearly a dead word, but it is still used by people with a radical feminist agenda to describe the perceived discrimination of females in the American workplace. You know, the classic image of a married, balding male “boss” chasing the young bimbo secretary around his desk.

While I have no doubt that this sort of thing may happen from time to time, what the feminists refuse or fail to acknowledge is that the secretary usually flops on the desk spread-eagle, well before the wicked male “boss” has run any marathons.

Modern businesses are too afraid of being sued to not let women take over top positions, whenever possible.

“Women in equivalent positions still don’t earn on average as much as men, Tommy! That is proof of sexism in the workplace!”

That women earn less in an equivalent (non-illeagal, Nevada excluded) position as a man, there can be no doubt, however it is not sexism; it is biology:

Men don’t give birth to children.

I submit to you that the true reason for the sexual wage disparity in the United States is that men have more time to devote to their careers because they can not give birth to children.

The world is doomed if I am the first to figure that one out.

4) I couldn’t get a word in edgewise

This idiom has been around for at least three hundred years. When I hear anybody say that, I instantly stop listening and start thinking about Roman torture devices, and how the speaker would look attached to them.

What they really mean is,
“I was having a conversation with somebody, and they had the nerve to not allow me to interrupt!”

Yup.
-Masterson

Read this, It will make you a better person

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Escort Review: April

I was really horny tonight, so I ordered up an escort. I told OP Escorts that I wanted a short brunette, or any petite dark-haired woman: Preferably an Asian. They did not have any Asians (as usual), but they did have a new girl that was short, and had shoulder length brown hair. I told OP Escorts to send her over.

April showed up at about midnight on the dot, with an attitude. This turned me off right away… she’s a hooker… she should be pleasant; I did not order a wife.

After she told the crossed-eyed body-guard to leave, we sat on my couch for about 20 minutes ($35) talking about the weather. I was getting frustrated, so I told her to take off her top. April looked at me with the “thousand yard stare,” but she complied. April was wearing a sheer black bra, likely bought from Frederick’s of Hollywood. Very sexy. She seemed insecure after her shirt came off, but was looking into my eyes with venom, nay pure hatred. She hated me, and my ilk I could tell. Her eyes had the same dead coldness that you see when you look at the police photographs of serial killers. Needless to say my erection was killed right then and there. I was almost afraid for my life.

I gave her a $50 bill and told her that if she ever stopped hooking, to give me a call. I swear to you, the look she gave me chilled me to the bones, and I was glad send April on her way. It was worth the $50 to get her out of my apartment.

I am done with prostitutes. I still believe that the relationship between a hooker and her John is the most honest and mutually beneficial in the world, but I can no longer take the risk.

-Tommy Masterson

Read this, It will make you a better person

Saturday, December 03, 2005

God Bless the USA

The United States of America is the greatest county in the world. The only thing that defines greatness in the realm of nations is its creations. Below are some examples of why the USA is still on top:

Japan Produced:

Tentacle Porn

USA Produced:

The Atom Bomb

Arabia Produced:

Beheadings

USA Produced:

Baseball

France Produced:

Wine and Cheese

USA Produced:

Beer and Pizza

England Produced:

Jack the Ripper

USA Produced:

Ted Bundy

India Produced:

Mahatma Gandhi

USA Produced:

Aaron Burr

Ireland Produced:

Dracula

USA Produced:


Hannibal Lecter

You wish you were me.

-Tommy Masterson

Read this, It will make you a better person