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Friday, November 25, 2005

Thanksgiving at the Casino

For the last several years, instead of putting up with the nervous small talk, the bombastic drunk uncle, the bitter old maid, the molester cousin, and the screaming kids of a normal Thanksgiving with the family, I have been going to the casino. It’s kind of escapist I know, but hey that’s how I roll.

Thanksgiving at the casino is very different from every other day (except Christmas). For instance, you can get turkey and dressing at the Mexican buffet. The place is also almost completely devoid of children. There are several other things that a regular casino-going Kansascitian notices when you step inside on Thanksgiving Day.

1: At least 1/3 the people there are Chinese, Korean, Thai, or Japanese.

This is completely understandable. There are always lots of Asians at the casino, but they come out in droves on Thanksgiving Day… and why shouldn’t they? Nothing else is open, and unless they are at least second generation Americans, they generally do not observe Thanksgiving. Anybody that knows me can tell you that if I had a chance for a three-way with a non-pregnant Brittney Spears and Paris Hilton, I would turn it down instantly for a chance with a normal Asian woman. I go to the casino and see all these extremely good looking Asian girls walking around, and I think, “Where are they every other day of the year?” It’s a good question, because I am lucky to see one-a-day anywhere else in the city.

On a side note, if you ever play poker with an Asian, watch out, because in general, they are very aggressive, and are hard to read. I have played a lot of hands of cards with a lot of Asians, and I am far more fearful of them then anybody else on the table.

2: There are very few Black People

There is usually a healthy representation of the Black population at the casino on any given day, except on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I believe that this is because the Black Community is far more family oriented when it comes to holidays then any other group in America. This would seem to coincide with many of the books I have read on African-American culture. The Black people that are at the casino on Thanksgiving and Christmas are either single men, or young couples.

3: There are many destitute White couples and singles

There are always many poor Whites at the casino on any given day, but you see many more show up on Thanksgiving then usual. It’s almost like somebody turned over a bunch of rocks. These people look like extras from Deliverance or The Outlaw Josey Wales.

I actually overheard this conversation today between a middle-aged, smelly, mullet-clad man in a filthy flannel shirt, and woman who was maybe 30*, but looked 50 with her skeletal body, “meth-mouth” and copious facial wrinkles.

“We gonna win us some, Dan?”
“Yep, we gonna win. We best!”
“Donna said she can keep the kids till three, then we gotta be back, she’s gotta work at four”
“What we gonna play? They done got three-dollar blackjack, and I reckon that’s best, cuz we only got fifteen dollars to play, and rents gonna be due next week and shit”
“Naw lets play them nickel slots. Cant get no money playing the table games, dealer has the odds for’em.”

“You can’t win no money playin them slots! They got them machines rigged!”
“I don’t got to wait on the slots, and I don’t have to put up with no cock-suckin dealer, neither.”
“You’re an ass, Danny. A drunken ass, and you ain’t got no sense!”
“I ain’t got no sense? You’re the one wantin to give that fancy-pants fag dealer all our money!”
“Fuck you and your slot machines too!”

At this point she stalked off crying, and Danny went to the slot machines. I don’t know how well he did.

4: The casino is almost completely devoid of Latinos

The whole eight hours I was there today, I only saw two. I only saw one last year. I am always on the lookout for Latino women, as they rank just as high in my book next to Asian women, but the two Latinos I saw this year were both men.

5: The dealers are far less friendly

Understandable. They make very good money though, and should be more pleasant, even if they have to work on a holiday. But they aren’t. They have their guard down, so this gives you an opportunity.

I will give you a blackjack tip… When the dealer shows a 10 or an ace, and you are sitting at or near “third base,” watch the dealer’s facial expressions while they deal cards to the other players. They know what they have, and you can pick up a lot by watching the dealer’s reaction when people stand or hit, just like at poker. The main dealer at my table today would smirk when a player would hold a hand lower then him, and raise his eyebrows when you had a better hand then him. I won a lot of money tonight, not by playing “by the book,” but by watching the dealers face. You women should excel at this sort of thing; everybody knows that Women are the masters of non-verbal communication. The dealer will more often then not communicate his hand to you, if you are paying attention. Do not play at a table that has an Asian dealer, however, this is a good way to go broke.

-Tommy Masterson

Read this, It will make you a better person

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Why Tornados Demolish Trailer Parks

Trailer parks are not “tornado magnets.” Let’s kill a myth right here:

Place a full roll of aluminum foil 2” perpendicular to the vapor stream that is being blown out of a tea kettle, and see how much the steam bends toward it. The steam did not bend toward the foil roll, did it? Well I guess high-speed air and water vapor are not magnetically attracted to aluminum and cellulose. Likewise, trailer homes made out of aluminum and wood do not “attract” air and water vapor tornados.

Below are the real reasons why trailer homes always seem to be destroyed every year by tornados:

1: Trailer Homes are Flimsy

Air weighs a lot, more then you may think. A cubic yard of air weighs about 2.5 pounds. Imagine you have a full 40oz of Colt .45, and you hurl the bottle at a mobile home at full strength. You would expect to leave a dent in the thing, right? Well even the weakest tornados throw 1000’s of cubic yards of compressed air at a trailer in a few seconds. The trailer home only weighs about as much as two large pick-up trucks, and has a much larger surface area for the wind and debris to act on. At best, the trailer can be expected to be tipped over; at worst it will be demolished, even in an weak F-1 tornado.

Hurl the same bottle at a well built house, you may chip some paint, and if you’re lucky, knock a board off.

2: It is a Cliché

Many people think that tornados commonly destroy mobile homes, because that is what is usually presented in the media. A weak tornado can demolish a mobile home, and a strong tornado can rip it to pieces and then some. The media likes nothing better then to show a mullet clad, yellow toothed, trucker cap wearing yokel, pointing to an empty lot strewn with debris, explaining in redneck English how he lost every thing, but his family is safe and that’s what matters. The media wants “human interest” stories. Interviewing a person that earns $150,000 a year, talking about how he/she lost two windows, some shingles, and his bushes, just isn’t news worthy.

Trailer parks almost act as “tornado detectors;” a weak tornado that destroys a mobile home park would be virtually undetectable in a neighborhood of well built dwellings. It is likely that many tornados churn through the suburbs of the Midwest and East Coast every year, but are undetected because they do not do enough damage to be identified as tornados. In fact, I know I hit by a tornado this year:

During the late spring, a cyclic supercell thunderstorm was rolling through the area, after already producing many funnel clouds and one confirmed touchdown. It had weakened some, but according to the Doppler radar, it still showed moderate mid-level rotation, and this seemed to be intensifying somewhat as it neared my home at 40mph. I went outside under my overhang to watch, and was amazed at what I saw:

The wind was blowing rain and some pea to dime sized hail at about 35-40mph out of the South-Southwest. After a few minutes, the wind picked up a great deal and started blowing out of the South at about 65-70mph. I saw shingles fly off a few roofs, and a few gutters get ripped off the eaves. This lasted about 10 seconds. There was a brief “calm” where the wind was very erratic, but still strong for about 5 seconds, than the wind came very strongly out of the North then Northwest at about 50-60mph. Given the radar images I saw just before this happened, I have no doubt that an “undetected” F-0 tornado passed right over me. These sort of winds, while doing little damage to my community, could well have done a good deal of damage to a trailer park, and enough debris may have been thrown about for the NWS damage surveyors to classify it as “tornado damage.”

3: The Media (Again!)

I hate to repeat myself, but when is the last time you saw a successful business man (or woman) on camera describing the damage to his/her home? It doesn’t happen that often, I assure you. Here is a recent example… Hurricane Katrina. If you were a reporter, what would make a better story: The Ninth Ward and the Superdome, or rich people that lived on the Mississippi Gulf Coast? This works the same way with every natural disaster, including tornados.

Hapless, indigent wretches, staring blankly at their destroyed lives, while describing in a redneck accent how they feel and what they saw to an attractive, well spoken reporter, is ratings gold.

This is why tornados always seem to destroy trailer parks.


Read this, It will make you a better person


I will miss you Eddie. You brought many smiles to my face, mi amigo.

Read this, It will make you a better person

Sunday, November 06, 2005

The Three Most Attractive Women, Ever

#1: Elizabeth Hurley, Starring in: Bedazzled

Her voice is flowing honey, and the costumes she puts on in this flick would make most priests thank the lord that they were Men! One of the great mysteries of the ages is why Hugh Grant left her bed one night to seek the services of a $10 crack-whore. He said it was because she wouldn’t give head, but I believe that was a feeble excuse said in distress by a feeble actor. Nobody knows for certain the real reason, but I frankly don’t care. Hurley is the PERFECT fantasy in this movie.

This movie is a good gay-test. If your male friends do not think much of Elizabeth in this, then they are gay. If you have female friends that always want to watch this movie, then they are gay as well.

#2: Andrea Parker, Starring in: The Pretender

She hunted The Pretender, and she haunted all of our lives. Her long, silky legs, raven hair, smoldering cigarette, and ocean-blue eyes were greatly enhanced by her arrogant, cocky, flippant remarks. Every man (and many women) who watched The Pretender wanted to take Andrea over their knee, and spank her like the bad girl that she was... SMACK!

Oh, baby! Why do you have to be so bad, Ms. Parker!?

#3: Demi Moore, any:

My aunt asked me, when I was 17, who I thought was the best looking woman in the world. With no hesitation, I said Demi Moore. This was long before Striptease, so shut up. I was in love with this woman for a VERY LONG time. There is no need to talk about her liquid green eyes, or how her body must have been molded by the ghost of Michelangelo himself…no need at all…

-Tommy Masterson

Read this, It will make you a better person

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Useful Information

High natural gas bills aside, you can easily calculate how much electricity you are using to help lower bills.

Take the wattage of a light bulb (it is printed on the bulb it self) and multiply that number by how many hours in one day the bulb is lit. Then multiply this number by 30 (about how many days there are in each month). Divide this number by 1,000. This gives you the KWH used by the bulb a month.

Get your electric bill. Look on the back and see what your electric company charges you for a KWH or Kilowatt-hour (if it does not say, divide the KWH used by the dollar amount of that month’s charges). Multiply the KWH usage by the KWH charge and you will see what your electric company charges you per month to keep that bulb lit.


The bulb of brilliance over Tommy’s head is a 120 Watt bulb. My bulb is on for 8 hours per day. There is about 30 days in each month (average)…so… KWH= 120watt bulb X 8 hours X 30days/1000 = 28.8KWH.

KCPL charges me $.198 for a KWH. 28.8* .198. That means it costs me about $5.70 per month to keep this light bulb over my head, or $.19 per day. Very cheap at the price.

You can use this formula for just about any appliance. On the back or the underside of almost everything that plugs into an electrical outlet is an Underwriters Laboratories label. On this label you should see how many Watts an appliance uses or how many Amps it draws. If it shows the Watt’s, then you can use it the same formula above.


My toaster is 900 Watts (it says on the UL sticker). I use it about 2 minutes per week (I make light toast once per week), or let’s say 9 minutes a month. 9 minutes is .15/hour. So we multiply this by 900 and we get 135, and divided by 1000, we get 0.135. KCPL charges me $.198 for a KWH, so it costs me $.02 (two cents!) per month to toast my bread.

I have an 1100 Watt microwave oven. I use this often, at full power. I figure I have it on for 3 minutes per day. So, (3*30)/60= 1.5 hours. I have my 1100 Watt microwave running at full power 90 minutes every month. If you multiply 1100 Watts by 1.5 you get 1650. Divide by 1000 and you get 1.65 KWH. They charge me $.198 for a KWH, so it costs me $.33 per month to run my microwave.

If you look on a UL sticker and you do not see how many Watts an appliance uses, but it does show Amps, here is an easy calculation to convert Amps to Watts (in America):

Amps*Volts=Watts (Use 120v in America)

I have a vacuum that pulls 10 Amps. That means it uses 1200 Watts. I never use it, so this appliance costs me $0.00 per year.


Read this, It will make you a better person