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Thursday, June 30, 2005

More Wisdom From MoD

Driving to the bar from the Caspian Bistro:

"Fucking Madonna is not an American. She wants to be British, fuck her. I can't believe that I used to jack off to her. I bet my brain has Herpes now."

Challenged at the bar by a washed up ex high school jock muscle-head, who's woman the MoD is successfully seducing:
"Wanna fight cock sucker?"
"No, not really...wanna play chess?"

Read this, It will make you a better person

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

House, MD: Season 1 Episode 11


House, MD is the best medical TV drama ever. The MoD turned me on to it about a month ago, and I'm hooked. If you have not watched the show, it stars British actor Hugh Laurie (you may remember him from Spice World) as Dr. House, a crippled, sarcastic, misanthropic, drug addicted genus who is willing take any risk necessary to reach a diagnosis either to the patients detriment, but ultimate survival, or to the patients death but the survival of other patients. I won’t go into everything else about the show, but trust me when I say that it's very solid. When I say there is a network TV show that I like, you better damn well watch it because I say that less then once per year. There is, however, somthing that I just can not overlook in tonight's rerun.

“Detox” Season 1 Episode 11 Plot Synapses:

A 16 year-old car accident victim begins to show symptoms of a more serious injury after several days in the hospital. The staff is baffled when the boys red cell count and liver function start dropping like rocks. Meanwhile, House is challenged to stop taking Vicodin for a week, as everybody except House know that he is addicted. House accepts the challenge in exchange for some time off, but quickly begins to show withdrawal symptoms.

The boy’s condition starts declining rapidly; blindness in one eye, anal bleeding, and hallucinations. House and the staff narrow the boy’s diagnosis down to Lupus, or the extraordinarily rare Hepatitis E. House decides to risk not treating the boy for Lupus in favor of ruling out Hepatitis E, by using a drug that will harm the patient, but the side effects will prove if he has Hep E or not. The test fails, and so does the boy's liver. He now needs a transplant. The staff believes that House is making mistakes because of his withdrawal symptoms, and is risking the boy’s on life on a million to one chance. House learns from the boy's girlfriend that the boy had a cat that had died recently. Some other doctors dig up the cat so House can perform an autopsy on it, while the boy is being prepped for a liver transplant. After examining the cat, House stops the transplant by barging in on the surgeon and blowing his nose on him. Everybody now thinks that House is insane and the boy is doomed. After a scuffle with the father, House announces that the cat died of naphthalene poisoning due to a massive termite infestation of his home. House goes on to say that naphthalene is stored in the fat cells, and while the boy was in the hospital, he started losing a lot of protien due to the hospital diet, so his body started burning fat cells to compensate, releasing the naphthalene into his blood stream. House prescribes the right treatment, the termite infestation is confirmed, the boy recovers, and House starts taking Vicodin again.

The Plot Hole

I can not believe that this was overlooked. The show takes place in New Jersey. Everybody knows the only termite known to produce naphthalene is the Formosa Subterranean Termite or Coptotermes formosanus. Coptotermes formosanus is only found on islands in the Pacific Ocean, Texas, and the Deep South. This is unbelievable! Did a team of crack addicted apes write this episode?!?! I really hope somebody got fired for that one.

-Tommy Masterson

Read this, It will make you a better person

Friday, June 24, 2005

Mr. Masterson’s Neighborhood

I live in a decent part of town. It's not the wealthiest to be sure, but it certainly isn't the ghetto. Like any neighborhood, there are many interesting people. I always seem to live in places with many interesting people. Maybe I will write about them all some time, but for now these are the ones I interact with on a daily basis.

#1: The Three Amigos

These dudes are damn interesting. There are three of them living in a two bedroom apartment. Two white guys about mid-thirties and an Indian (Asian Indian) that is about my age. They showed up about two months ago in a rented semi-trailer sized moving truck and started unloading some very expensive things into their apartment. A few days later, their vehicles arrived. If I was impressed by their furniture and electronics before, I was shocked by what they drove into the parking lot. A BMW Z4 convertible, a Cadillac Escalade, and a Ford Lightning. By appearances, these cars were all fully loaded. By my calculations, these three men have about $125,000 worth of automobiles, and they live in a two bedroom apartment that rents for about $700 per month. What the hell? I started watching them and noticed some things during the weeks. First off, the cars have Texas plates. I looked at the backs of the cars, and they all appear to have been purchased in San Antonio. I then noticed that these dudes did not spend much time at their apartment. In fact, the Escalade (driven by the Indian) and the Lightning seemed to disappear anywhere from a few days to weeks at a time. They NEVER seem to talk to anybody in the neighborhood. Ever. I kicked around every thing I knew about these guys in my head, until I came to the only reasonable conclusion:

They are drug runners. It's really the only thing that makes sense.

#2: The In-Call Girl

Directly in my view when I walk out the door in the morning, is a house of prostitution. There lives a woman of 30 that has three kids (who do not look very much alike) ranging in age from about 5 to 8 years-old. I have slowly started to notice something odd about this place: Several times a day, a man or two would walk into the house, and the kids would come outside to play. The kids would remain outside for anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour, until then door opened and the man or men left. Hmm. Not too hard to figure out what is going on in there.

I walked over to das haus des spaßes tonight. It turns out I was right. She is indeed a prostitute. When I came back home, 20 minutes later and $25 poorer, I jumped in the shower, took some some amoxicillin, then sat down to write this post.

#3: The Upstairs Blonde

There is this blonde 21 year-old woman that lives upstairs. She had a female brunette roommate until about 3 weeks ago, but the brunette moved out because her boyfriend kept cheating on her with the blonde roommate. Since the brunette moved out, the blonde has really changed her look. Gone is the pseudo-redneck attire, the white hi-tops shoes and the 80's bangs. She's got a trendy new wardrobe, some new body jewelry, and a very nice haircut. Frankly, she's looking pretty hot. Thing about her is, she is screwing at least 3 different guys.

She has a boyfriend, and she is still banging the brunette's now ex-boyfriend, as well as this other dude that started showing up last week. New image and all, you only need one look into her eyes and "mattress back" instantly pops into your mind. To make matters worse, her "boyfriend" moved in about a 2 weeks after the brunette moved out, yet she is continuing to fuck these other two dudes. I assume the live-in is not aware of it yet, as the other oil drillers show up when the live-in's away.

Funny anecdote: Last Sunday I woke up at 1:30 am to hear a high-pitched vibration and a humming sound, combined with a rhythmic thump about every 5 seconds. I first thought one of the fans in my computer had malfunctioned, so I shut it down but the noises did not stop. I realized that the sound was coming from above. The blonde's bedroom. You can imagine what I was thinking. Relieved that my computer was not messed up, I returned to bed. I then heard the humming and vibration cease, with the typical wind-down noises of a vacuum cleaner. I then hear the sounds of furniture being moved about. I laughed to my self thinking, as I fell a slumber, how I found it more strange that wart-crotch was cleaning her house at 1:30 am rather then humping a gigantic vibrating dildo.

This afternoon when the MoD and I were heading out to Hooters, the blonde pulled up and walked up to her place. This is what I heard:

"Damn Tommy, she's hot and all, but I bet when she goes to the doctor, they have to handle her blood in those blue bio-hazard suits. Iraq could have used her as a biological weapon."

Indeed. All hail the MoD.

-Tommy Masterson

Read this, It will make you a better person

Stop Bitching About the Weather

I'm sick of people complaining about TV weather forecasts. The weather seems to be the main topic of almost 50% of all human conversation. The other 50% seems to be how the inept meteorologists on TV botched the forecast yet again. There are two reasons for this. First, the producers of the local news feel (usually correctly) that their viewers are too dumb to read an actual National Weather Service forecast. The TV weather person will "dumb-down" their "forecasts" (they don't forecast anything, their computers do) to things like "wet" and "dry", or "chance of tundershowers" over a large area. A real NWS forecast is far more accurate. They will even explain their forecast in great detail.

The second reason that weather forecasts seem highly inaccurate is that planetary weather is a highly complex system and is IMPOSSIBLE to predict completely accurately with our current technology. In fact, it may never be possible to give a completely accurate forecast. This article gives a good explanation:

Studying Complex Systems: 2001 Research Awards
Weather Forecasting, Complexity, and Chaos

Brian R. Hunt and Istvan Szunyogh

A popular metaphor for the central property of chaos -- sensitive dependence on initial conditions -- is the "butterfly effect": that a butterfly flapping its wings in one geographical location will, within two or three weeks, have a profound effect on the weather in another remote location. Edward Lorenz proposed this effect after observing sensitive dependence in a simplified mathematical model of the earth's atmosphere, and his discovery was a fundamental development in the scientific study of chaos. In the 1960's weather predictions beyond two days were not reliable. Thus Lorenz's work, which implied limitations on much longer forecasts (e.g. of the order of two weeks), was of purely academic interest. However, in the last three decades computer-based forecasts have improved substantially and now they have surpassed the previous best method, namely, subjective predictions of "experts" based on observations. The increased reliability of weather forecasts compared with a decade ago has been mostly due to the development of better numerical forecasts. In particular, major improvements have been made in the areas of modeling, data assimilation, and in the collection of observational data However, there are many areas which require substantial improvements including more precise short-range weather forecasts (6-48 hr.), severe weather quantitative forecasts (for example thunder storms, tornadoes, and flash flooding), more reliable medium-range forecasts (3-10 days), and extended-range forecasts (2 weeks and longer) in situations where the weather happens to be relatively stable, and seasonal to interannual predictions (for example El Niño) based on coupled ocean?atmosphere models. To achieve such further improvements in the forecasts, the issue of chaos becomes essential. Our goal is to use chaos, dynamical systems, and complexity theory to fundamentally improve numerical weather forecasts in these areas.

Some results from chaos theory have already been applied to medium range forecasts. For example, until recently, a single numerical forecast was obtained by solving the atmospheric partial differential equations, providing forecasters with a deterministic solution. However, due to the effect discovered by Lorenz, the reliability of the forecast deteriorates exponentially fast in time, and this occurs at different rates in different places.

This makes it difficult to tell when and for how long the forecasts are reliable. One simple method to gain insights to this problem is to use ensembles of forecasts. That is, several forecasts are performed every day, replacing the classical single "deterministic" forecast. The different forecasts are started from carefully chosen perturbed initial conditions and then remain similar for some time before they begin to give different results. This gives an indication of how long the forecast is reliable. For example if we create an ensemble of forecasts for 10 days, but we find that they separate within 3 days, then we can say that we have confidence in our forecasts only for up to 3 days. This also gives a measure of the complexity in the forecast. Such techniques have been used in the past on fairly simple systems where applications of chaos theory are now well developed. However, weather forecasting involves many more variables which leads to important theoretical and practical problems. We believe that addressing these problems will yield substantially improved forecasts.

What can complexity and chaos do for weather prediction now? C. Leith, one of the pioneers in ensemble weather prediction illustrated the predictability problem in an American Geophysical Union lecture (Nov. 1999): "It is not just butterflies; even talking about the weather will change the weather outcome", but he added, "Fortunately, talking about climate will not produce climate change". In fact, there is increasing evidence that the atmosphere is not as chaotic as it was initially believed to be.

A numerical forecast involves solving for several million variables that change with time (e.g., temperature, pressure, velocity, humidity at a large number of grid points). In contrast, ensemble forecasts of perhaps 20 solutions are computed by taking small perturbations of a "primary" solution and following these new perturbed solutions in time. Whenever they deviate too far from the primary solution, they are renormalized and reinitialized by being brought closer to the primary solution. These solutions result in what are called the "local bred vectors" or "LBVs". The LBVs represent the naturally occuring perturbations that are most unstable. For example, when modeling the Northern Hemisphere, we find that 20 ensemble solutions typically yield about 10 geographically isolated LBVs. Thus we can say that the space spanned by the unstable perturbations is of dimension 10 (not thousands, or millions, as the number of variables in the models). If the system was extremely chaotic, as previously believed, then we would expect to find many more unstable directions.

Of course, these numbers have been obtained using only 20 ensemble solutions while in theory there are an infinite possibility of acceptable perturbations. If we used all possible perturbations to find the total number of LBVs then we would completely describe what we will loosely call "the local surface". This is the set of solutions that have diverged most rapidly from the primary solution and yet are still close to the primary solution.

We propose to develop new techniques to isolate and study the time evolution of this space (the local surface) which we believe is responsible for the breakdown of forecasts. Our preliminary work indicates that it is, in fact, possible to isolate the LBVs in space and in time. Together all of the LBVs determine the local surface which is crucial for increasing the length of forecasts. By understanding properties of the local space, we believe that major improvements can be made to forecasting at all scales. For example, if we know characteristics of the LBVs, it should be possible to "target" only a few key high quality observations (i.e., flying a plane out to a location to make observations) in such regions to remove major errors in the forecasts.

The time is now at hand for a multidisciplinary project like the one we have proposed, and given our dependence on advance knowledge of the weather, it is essential to improve our understanding of the mechanisms through which forecasts breakdown. We believe that the research we propose has the potential to dramatically improve the quality of forecasts.

Read this, It will make you a better person

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Words with Two Meanings

Awhile back, I received a mass-email that was written by a woman describing the duel meanings of certain words and phrases in the context of a relationship blah, blah. I read it, then decided to make my own list...

More Words with Two Meanings:

1. SUV

Men: A vehicle for crossing rough terrain, mudding, etc.

Women: A birthright that is to be given upon nuptials; a device used to incite the hatred of male drivers and the envy of non-SUV driving women.

2. Harass

Women: Unwanted attention or sexual advances, excessive phone calls, etc.

Men: What you pat when the cute new office girl walks by.

3. Golf

Women: A dull sport that men spend a great deal of time playing.

Men: What we tell the wife we are going to do when we head out to the nudie bar.

4. Condom

Women: A birth control device used to reduce the risk of pregnancy and STD’s during sexual intercourse.

Men: A cost-saving, though restrictive and desensitizing device that is far cheaper then antibiotics or a new identity and a one-way ticket to Brazil.

5. Mauve

Women: A light to medium purple.

Men: A desert in California

6. Jesus

Men: The biblical son of god.

Women: The cute new waiter at Applebee’s

7. Universe

Men: The space in that all matter and energy resides.

Women: What they think they are the center of.

8. Priest

Women: A Catholic holy man, a teacher of Catholic Christian doctrine.

Men: The protagonist from the Blaxploitaion movie “Superfly.”

9. Life

Women: The physical state of existence, a biological organism.

Men: A meter on a computer game that determines how many times you can be shot.

10. Diamond

Women: A crystalline, refractive stone that is used to enhance beauty or to proclaim status among other women.

Men: A crystalline, refractive stone that is purchased for a woman for the purpose of inducing her to have sex. A stripper we go to see when we tell the woman we are going to play golf.

If anybody has anymore ideas, please e-mail them to me, I would like to start a collection of them.

Ooooh. I almost forgot…he said she said….

She said: I need a commitment from you.

He said: And I need one from you…please sign your name to this pre-nup.

She said: Why do you fall asleep after we have sex?

He said: Well, why do you fall asleep when I’m watching golf?

She said: I think we should see other people.

He said: You’re right. Me and the boy’s need something new to talk about at the bar.

She said: I’m pregnant.

He said: No hablo ingles.

She said: I think that men don’t respect the brains of women.

He said: Women don’t need brains.

She said: WHAT!?!?!

He said: Women don’t need brains, because a brain can’t suck a di…….

-Tommy Masterson

Read this, It will make you a better person

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Pseudoscience 3

The Guide to Mitigating Murphy’s Law


“Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.” This is Murphy’s Law. This may be the most quoted adage that nobody remembers when they are trying to make a decision. People only remember this when things do go wrong. This saying is used like a bandage for the ego (or pride if you’re a woman). If you screw up, it is not your fault; it was Murphy’s Law coming to screw you, right?


Part 1: A Quarter can be worth a Million
Random Chance vs. Likely Outcome

If you flipped a quarter 100 times what would be the most likely percentage between heads and tails? It is not 50/50, if that is what you were thinking. Mathematically, any 100 flip combinations of heads or tails are as likely as any other, including a 50/50 split. Every flip of the coin has an equal chance of showing either side.

In reality, we will usually see a distribution like this:

(Fig 1.) The black dots represent the final outcome of 100 coin flips

What does this teach us? This teaches us that random chance is exactly that: Random chance. This also teaches us that there are several “zones” of likely outcome.

Murphy’s Law is what happens when events fall into the red and yellow zones, and outside the blue and green zones. The dots in the yellow and red zones represent outcomes that are highly unusual, and are a fairly accurate representation of the outcomes of situations that have no apparent explanation. This is Murphy’s Law at work.

If you shoot 100 men in the chest, you would also see an outcome scatter like this, or if you played 100 hands of poker. Or 1000, or 10,000,000…

Part 2: Scoring in the Red Zone
By its Nature, “Random Chance” is Impossible to Eliminate; so is Murphy’s Law

While you are sleeping comfortably in your bed, dreaming of sugar plums and crotches, what can happen? Anything! An airplane could suffer a catastrophic engine failure and crash into your home, a pack of punk teenagers could break all the windows in your car, or you could wake up and nothing has happened at all. While either of the first two outcomes can and have happened, what will you most likely wake up to? Nothing, of course.

“Red and yellow zone” outcomes happen, and we all suffer them throughout our lives. This is the correct definition of Murphy’s Law; however, more often then not, Murphy’s Law is used as an excuse to explain events and the subsequent outcomes (and the associated consequences) that are in our control.


If a fertile woman has sex with a fertile man without the use of any birth control methods, the woman may become pregnant. If a man has sex with the same woman 48 times over 2 years at absolutely random intervals with no birth control, she has as about a 66% chance of becoming pregnant. If a fertile man has one night stands with 48 fertile women over 2 years, without birth control at absolutely random intervals, each female partner has about a 10% chance of becoming pregnant. However any female partner has about a 66% chance of becoming pregnant. A man is far more likely to impregnate his wife then any single screw, but just as likely to impregnate one of a series of screws.

Part 3: Don’t do anything Stupid
Expect the Best, Prepare for the Worst

All actions have consequences, both good and bad. Criminals, I think, understand this concept more fully then any other group. Let’s say you rob a bank. Do you expect to get a large amount of cash for your efforts? Yes, you do. Otherwise why are you robbing a bank? Will you be caught? Most likely, the FBI has nearly a 100% success ratio of catching bank robbers.

If you know the FBI will most likely catch you, why would you rob the bank? Because you were counting on a “red zone” outcome, even when you knew that a “green/blue zone” outcome would most likely occur. This is not Murphy’s Law. This is being a dumb ass.

Part 4: Reading your Own Palm
Eliminating risks

Murphy’s Law is somewhat a paradox. Over time as person gains knowledge, they can more accurately predict the outcomes of events, but “red zone” events will also have a greater chance of occurring. It is absolutely impossible to be prepared for all random events; however it is not impossible to prepare for events that have a reasonable chance of occurring. Let’s look at an example of a common situation we all face:

Going to work in the morning:

A. Likely: Your car will start
B. Slightly Less Likely: Your car will not start
C. Unlikely: Your car was stolen during the night
D. Highly Unlikely: Your car explodes (a mafia assassin placed a bomb in the wrong vehicle)*

What example(s) are Murphy’s Law? B (to a point) and C. Having your car stolen is a completely random and uncommon event, (unless you live in the ‘hood) and there is no reason why you should expect your car to be stolen on any given morning. This is a great example of Murphy’s Law.

If your car was making strange noises and/or smoking, the “check engine” light was on, and you failed to have your car repaired…this is NOT Murphy’s Law if your car won’t start next time. You should reasonably expect that it won’t. If your car fails to start for no apparent reason, this could be described as Murphy’s Law.

*If you die when your car explodes, and you have willed your entire estate to the Insane Clown Posse instead of your only son, your only son could reasonably call this Murphy’s Law.

There is a fine line between truly random events and predictable events. Again, the ability to predict events is based on a person’s wisdom; but with the more wisdom one gains, the more likely that random catastrophic events will happen. The challenge is to be able to distinguish truly random events from events we had the ability to influence and failed to do so.

Part 5: Review and Conclusion

So, what have we learned?

1. Every decision has consequences.
2. A bad decision and subsequent unfavorable result is usually due to ignorance or the failure to consider all reasonable outcomes.
3. Random, unpredictable events are a fact of life, but not the essence of it.
4. A good decision with a reasonably unpredictable, unfavorable outcome is accurately described as Murphy’s Law*.
5. With time, the chances of you experiencing an unfavorable random event increase, as well as your ability to influence events that happen in your life.

*It is interesting that another Irish adage, “Luck of the Irish”, is the exact opposite of Murphy’s Law.

When you make a mistake, or you see somebody make a mistake, you should try to take everything you can from that experience. This is how you gain wisdom, and how you learn to predict the outcomes of your future decisions. You can choose your fate or let fate choose you.

When something unfortunate happens to you, take stock. Did you have a reasonable opportunity to prevent or at least influence it? Did you see this might happen? Did you ignore the warnings of others? Did Tommy give you advice that you did not follow?

-Tommy Masterson

P.S. I used to love to give advice, and did so anytime sombody asked my opinion. I refuse to give advice now. In my 28 years, I have learned that when sombody askes you for advice, what they really want is validation for whatever they are thinking at the time. If you give advice that conflicts with their thoughts, they will argue with you, even if they know you are right. Oh well, back to drinking rum.

Read this, It will make you a better person

Friday, June 17, 2005

Hate Mail

From: Monica Russel
Sent: Thursday, June 16, 2005 12:22 AM
To: venjanzv@hotmail.com
Subject : FUCK YOU!!!



This is the second hate-mail I have received concerning my Wicca post. I really don’t know what to say about this other than Monica may have typed the most ignorant thing ever written in the English language.

Read this, It will make you a better person

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Conspiracy Revealed

Proof the Columbia was Shot Down by a Secret Air Force Laser

As you all know, on February 1st, 2003 the Space Shuttle Columbia broke up upon re-entry, killing all 7 members of its crew. Officially, the cause of the "accident" was damage caused during lift-off to heat resistant panels on the left that failed when the shuttle re-entered the earth's atmosphere, causing a catastrophic break up of the entire shuttle.

At least this is what the public was told.

A photograph taken by an amateur photographer in low light, 40 miles below the shuttle that was at the time traveling at Mach 25, clearly shows that the shuttle was in fact struck by a purple laser fired from Area 51 as the shuttle passed over San Francisco.

The government would have you believe that a piece of FOAM could damage the shuttles wing so badly that the wing could not withstand the mere 3,000 degree temperatures. Debris regularly strikes the shuttle during lift-off. Anybody who has the slightest bit of intelligence can see that the damage to the wing as described is just not possible.

What is going on here? Why did the CIA and the Air Force MURDER these heroes? There was a wolf among the sheep.

In a Top-Secret document obtained by The Conspiracy Insider, a senior CIA official orderers the destruction of the Columbia to kill Ilan Ramon, a senior Israeli Air Force Colonel, and expert on the Israeli Nuclear Weapons Program. The CIA had intelligence that Colonel Ramon was in fact Aref Razmoulla, special operative of the Iranian Intelligence Service. Razmoulla's mission was to obtain technical details on the United States Space Shuttles for Iran's Space program. The CIA believed that Razmoulla was in fact going to attempt to steal the shuttle and fly it to Iran. The crew was briefed on this possibility, and was given a secret transmitter that, when activated, would send a signal to Area 51 and NORAD informing them the hijacking was underway. Obviously, the fail-safe worked, with the tragic results we all witnessed on TV.

Another document uncovered by the Insider contained an unedited transcript of the crew's final words, and radar images from the National Weather Service radar in Shreveport, LA. This a potion of the transcript released by NASA:

KLING: They're all good, we've had good quantities all the way across.
CAIN: And the other temps are normal?
KLING: The other temps are normal, yes sir.
CAIN: And when you say you lost these, are you saying that they went to zero (unintelligible).
KLING: All four of them are offscale low.
CAIN: Four offscale low.
KLING: And they were all staggered, they were, like I said, within several seconds of each other.
(long pause)
JONES: Flight, FDO.
CAIN: FDO, Flight.
JONES: We have the balloon, it is being run through DDS right now.
KLING: We just lost tire pressure on left outboard and left inboard, both tires.

Now this is the transcript obtained by the Insider:

KLING: They're all good, we've had good quantities all the way across.
CAIN: And the other temps are normal?
KLING: The other temps are normal, yes sir.
CAIN: And when you say you lost these, are you saying that they went to zero (unintelligible).
KLING: All four of them are offscale low.
CAIN: Four offscale low.
KLING: And they were all staggered, they were, like I said, within several seconds of each other.
(long pause)
JONES: Flight, FDO.
CAIN: FDO, Flight, power lasers.
JONES: We have the target, it is being run through DDS right now.
KLING: Fire Lasers!
CAIN: Lasers Fired! Got the rag-head bastard!
KLING: We just lost tire pressure on left outboard and left inboard, both tires. Fuck you, Allah!

You can clearly see that shuttle was destroyed by the US Air Force. After the shuttle was hit, Razmoulla attempted to access the Columbia's emergency escape pod. Three additional lasers were fired from the NSA's secret laser bases in Louisiana. In data released by the National Weather Service, we see what apparently is the Columbia breaking up over East Texas:

This uncensored image clearly shows the lasers exploding what is in fact Razmoulla's escape pod and subsequent debris:

The government is obviously covering up the fact they destroyed their own shuttle and killed 5 Americans and 1 Indian to foil an Iraninan plot to hijack the Columbia during re-entry. Why does the government continue to lie to the public!?!?

I contacted the NSA, CIA, NASA, and the Air Force yesterday, asking them to clarify these startling facts. As of today, there has been NO RESPONSE.

-Tommy Masterson

Update 6/25 Shocking new footage from CNN!

Read this, It will make you a better person

Saturday, June 11, 2005


This the way to calculate your chances of getting laid

(t^2*M)/ (Sp+c^2)/2= Sx%

Where as Sx=Sex potential, t=time, M=money, Sp=Sympathy, c=conversation.

I have done a service to all males with this. This is the final formula for calculating your chances of getting laid when you are with a chick. For example, lets say you spend 4 hours with a woman (t) 4 to the second power is 16, you multiply that by the amount of money (M) you spent on her, in this example we will say $50 so 16x50 is 800. During the date you showed sympathy (Sp) for 1 hour, and the total time of conversation (c) was 3 hours. 3 to the second power is 9; 9 plus 1 is 10. Time/money divided by sympathy/conversation is 80. Divide this by 2 and you have a (Sx) of 40%.

Application of the Alcohol Consumption Algorithm:

If the woman you are trying to nail is drinking, you need to add this formula to your calculation:

(D^3/ .9)*(A-21)/100 + SX% = TPS

Where as D=Total alcoholic drinks, A= Age in years, TPS= Total Probability of Sex

Example: If we start with a SX% of 40, and we have a 25 year old that has consumed 6 alcoholic beverages, the TPS is 49.6%. Thats betting odds, brotha!

Pseudoscience 2:

The 30% Male Exaggeration Theory

By my observation, men exaggerate almost everything by approximately 30%. Men have large egos, (30% larger then women, coincidently). When a man tells you a story, here are some simple calculations that you can use to get closer to the real truth.

Sex Partners:

Man at the bar: “I have fucked 20 women.”
Assuming the 30% theory, he has really fucked 14 (FW*.7)

Fish Size:

Man at the bar: “I once caught a 32 inch bass!”
Assuming the 30% theory, the largest bass he caught was 22.4” (BL*.7)

Penis Size:

Man at the bar: “I have an 8” dick.”
Assuming the 30% theory, his dick is 5.6” (DS*.7)


Man at the bar: “I make $50,000 per year.”
Assuming the 30% theory, he makes $35,000 (I*.7)

Get it?

Tommy Masterson

Read this, It will make you a better person

Friday, June 10, 2005

Bring Back Witch Burning!

Ahh… those were the day’s…

I am tired of Wicca-tramps. Fuck Wicca. I have spent enough time around you freaks to tell you plain and simple: high school is OVER, stop being a witch and start being normal. You can not cast spells, your malachite does not stop your herpes outbreaks, and you can not mix snake scales, moss, and pubic hair to create a magic potion to make Todd fall in love with you. Also, please stop saying that you are a “white witch,” like there is some fucking difference.

If you are the rare “man” that practices witchcraft, you are beneath contempt.

Witches seem to like to sacrifice virgins as well. STOP IT. There are far more useful things you can do with virgins.

Tommy Masterson

Update: 6/11/05
After much contemplation, I can no longer stand idol while thousands of virgins are sacrificed. I feel I must DO something. If you feel that you are in danger of being sacrificed, contact me. I have a ritual that we can perform in less then 1 hour that in the end will prevent you from being sacrificed.


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Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Gold-Digger BUSTED!

I met this chick playing on-line pokerabout 8 months ago. We were having a good time so we started exchanging email and talking on I.M. She is 30 years old, divorced, no children and lives outside of Cincinnati, OH. Not too hard too look at either. Abysmal card player, though. I was always pretty vague about where I lived or what I did for a living, because frankly there are a lot of psycho’s out there. I don’t know anything about here either. About 2 weeks ago I logged on and we started chatting. She had become increasingly more annoying of late, and I had detected a subtle yet profound weakness in her character, so I decided to have some fun with her…

The_devil_made_me_do_it30: HEY!!!
Venjanz: hey
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: Wacha doin??
Venjanz: hehe not much just looking at some web sites (it was porn)
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: LOL
Venjanz: what?
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: UR funny iloved those jokes you sent me
Venjanz: yeah hehe they were pretty good
Venjanz: you get those pics I sent you too?
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: yea!
Venjanz: have you played cards lately?
(20 minutes pass)
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: yea played some last night I lost :(:(
Venjanz: LOL you suck pretty bad it’s a good thing you don’t play for money
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: hey fuckker!!1 I beat you before!
Venjanz: ONCE you beat me ONCE, son
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: im not your “son” im a woman
Venjanz: jeez don’t take so much offence, I tend to call everybody beneath me “son”
Venjanz: therefore I call everybody son
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: …
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: whutever
(10 minutes pass)
Venjanz: want to see something funny? Click this link: http://www.big-boys.com/articles/fword.html
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: LOL :)
Venjanz: yeah that sites great
Venjanz: what are you doing?
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: talking to mikie on the phone (her ex boyfriend that she is thinking about getting back together with)
Venjanz: Ahh, whats he have to say?
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: not much wur probly gonna go out Friday to the Ratchet (dance club)
Venjanz: that should be fun, but I suppose you know only homosexuals go to dance
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: LLO PLENTy of straight guys go to dance clubs
Venjanz: yeah I bet you know that well
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: HEY!
Venjanz: what?
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: wuts that mean?
Venjanz: I just ment that you like to dance you you should know better then me
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: ok…
Venjanz: BRB
(25 minutes)
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: T u there?
Venjanz: yeah sorry ben called
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: The artist guy?
Venjanz: yeah
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: I got some lotto ticket..wish me luck!!!
Venjanz: maam you need more then luck to hit a 85,000,000:1 shot…that’s destiny
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: well I am destin to have lots of money
(Oh you are, are you…)
Venjanz: Oh speaking of money I have some good news
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: yea wut?
Venjanz: remember that book I told you I was working on? I sold the idea to Doubleday
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: REALLY? CONGRAT!S
Venjanz: yeah hehe there are giving me a $150,000 advance once they get the manuscript and I get 50% of all sales. Im pretty excited.
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: WOW!!!!!!
(Wow indeed)
(30 minutes)
: you know I really like talking to you, why don’t you call me..heres my cell 513-XXX-XXXX
: coll ill call you sometime
The_devil_made_me_do_it30: Have you ever taken a vacation in Cincinatti cutie? If you do, we should uhhh meet up ;););)


Read this, It will make you a better person

Saturday, June 04, 2005

My Girlfriend

This is a pic of my woman; I took this picture just before X-mas in ‘04.

I am tired of women calling me names. There are a lot of rumors going around work about how I‘m gay, or (paradoxically) how I am a misogynist militant out on a crusade to trash and degrade females.

Make up your fucking chaotic mind!

Yes, I am nailing Jess here, but let’s understand each other:

She understands me for who I am, and I reciprocate. She is a lonely, barren, 34 year-old (and frankly hot-ass) woman, and I am a 28 year-old that is a temporary replacement for her husband.

She has told me more then once that she wants a “smart-guy,” but wants to fuck bikers.

Oh well. I can jam her indefinitely, because all she has to do is tell me when her biker friend goes out and she is alone.

Is this true?

You tell me. Send me a message.

P.S. Yes it's true you morons, this is what I do when im not at my puter.

Read this, It will make you a better person

People Who Inspire Me 2

Part 2
This is part two of the series.This is about musical artists that have changed my life.

Eric “Eazy-E” Wright

When I was a kid, I listened to The Fat Boys, Doug E. Fresh, etc., but when Eazy-Duz-It came out, I was enthralled. I played this cassette so much that I had to buy it 3 times because I kept wearing it out.

Eric Wright was a drug dealer in Compton, CA. He used the money he earned from selling drugs to start Ruthless Records. Eazy-E’s crew included:

Andre “Dr. Dre” Young, O’Shea “Ice Cube” Jackson, Lorenzo “MC Ren” Patterson, and Antoine “DJ Yella” Carraby.

This is like a who’s who of gangsta rap.

When Straight Outta Compton was released, the sounds of the black ghetto were unleashed on white America, and we loved it.

My friends and I know all the words to almost all the NWA and Eazy-E songs. To this day, we STILL will sit around and rap NWA lyrics.

We grew up with Eazy-E and NWA, and it was as much a part of our lives as were the Transformers, GI Joe and Full House.

Eazy-E died of AIDS in 1995.

Another modicum of respect I have for Eric. He lived what he wrote.

Tracy “Ice-T” Marrow

Ice-T is one of the best black entertainers whom has ever lived. When O.G. came out, I tried to go to a gun store and buy a shotgun.

Ice-T is not the best rapper, not the best actor, and not the best song writer, but he is good at all of these things. The New Jack of all Trades.

O.G. may be my favorite CD of all time.

Ice-T also starred in some of my favorite movies. Gary Busey and Rutger Hower starred with T in Surviving The Game, and who can forget Ice-T in New Jack City?

When T was chasing Chris Rock at the start of New Jack City:

“Ahh, Ahh!
"You think your hard, you think your slick you blasphemous dope-fiend bitch?!?!”

GREAT cinema! Back the fuck up, Cary Grant!

Ice-T is so hard, that he would bust a cap in his own ass, if he was bored.

My friend Ben drew a great picture of Ice-T once, but didn’t send it to him because he was afraid that T would come to his house, cut off his power, and do him with the lights out.

Real or fiction? We will never know.

Jimmy Paige

If you are not familiar with this man’s music, you suck and have no life. Aside from Eric Clapton, this man has written the most memorable guitar music of all time. I have neither the time nor the inclination to list all of the great music he created with the profit, Robert Plant, but I will relate a quick story:

The reason I started playing guitar was that I wanted to learn “Over the Hills and Far Away,” so I could show off to my friends, and stick my penis in women. I DID learn to play it eventually, but I would usually muff it so badly that I refused to do it after awhile.

In lieu, I would play other Led Zeppelin songs for people. For instance:
Misty Mountain Hop
The Immigrant Song
Black Dog
Hey Hey, What Can I Do?
Dyer Maker
The Girl I love

And on, and on and on….

In honest retrospect, the only reason that I ever wanted to play the guitar is that I felt that this ability would give me a better chance of getting laid.

I was right.

John Fogerty

John wrote so many good songs, that he once grew a 25” boner at a concert when he thought about what a bad-ass he was.

Most people do not know that the “Proud Mary” abomination sung by Tina Turner was a Credence Clearwater Revival song written by John Fogerty.

Fogerty wrote “Susie Q” “Who’ll Stop the Rain?” “Fortunate Son” “Have You Ever Seen the Rain?” “Green River” “Down on the Corner” “Lodi,” and on and on and on…

In my grand plot to stick my penis in women, I first learned to play these songs on my guitar, before I learned the Led Zeppelin ones.

When John returned from Vietnam, he and his brother Tom created Credence Clearwater Revival. John was the genius behind the music, but he failed to read the fine print on his contract with the record company that basically stated that anything they recorded was the property of the company, and the band would get a flat fee no matter how many millions of records they sold.

Hey we all make mistakes.

Fogerty went solo in the 70’s, and being legally barred from performing the music he created, John eventually composed a record titled Centerfield.

To this day, John Fogerty still does not have the rights to the best songs he wrote.

Part 3 comming soon...


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Non Sequiturs from the Minister of Disinformation

I have a friend that will say the most off the wall shit from time to time that cracks me up. I will refer to him as the Minister of Disinformation as he did not want me to use his real name. He will henceforth be known as MoD. I like to give people quasi-official titles.

At the KC Renascence Festival, MoD is peering intently at the groups of people passing by as we look at swords and maces. He turns to me and says,

“You know Tommy, there is a disproportionally large amount of Juggalos here.”

MoD and I were watching a movie; I think it was Team America: World Police, when he said,

“When I’m looking at pictures on Suicide Girls dot com, I like to do the girls the respect of reading their profiles before I jack-off to them.”

I was on the phone with the Minister once, talking about video games and TV shows when he said,

“I don’t think women make very good human beings, but I think they are great sex-objects.”

These are just three examples. If MoD would write a book of just his quotes, he would make Millions.

-Tommy T

Read this, It will make you a better person