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Friday, November 25, 2005

Thanksgiving at the Casino

For the last several years, instead of putting up with the nervous small talk, the bombastic drunk uncle, the bitter old maid, the molester cousin, and the screaming kids of a normal Thanksgiving with the family, I have been going to the casino. It’s kind of escapist I know, but hey that’s how I roll.

Thanksgiving at the casino is very different from every other day (except Christmas). For instance, you can get turkey and dressing at the Mexican buffet. The place is also almost completely devoid of children. There are several other things that a regular casino-going Kansascitian notices when you step inside on Thanksgiving Day.

1: At least 1/3 the people there are Chinese, Korean, Thai, or Japanese.

This is completely understandable. There are always lots of Asians at the casino, but they come out in droves on Thanksgiving Day… and why shouldn’t they? Nothing else is open, and unless they are at least second generation Americans, they generally do not observe Thanksgiving. Anybody that knows me can tell you that if I had a chance for a three-way with a non-pregnant Brittney Spears and Paris Hilton, I would turn it down instantly for a chance with a normal Asian woman. I go to the casino and see all these extremely good looking Asian girls walking around, and I think, “Where are they every other day of the year?” It’s a good question, because I am lucky to see one-a-day anywhere else in the city.

On a side note, if you ever play poker with an Asian, watch out, because in general, they are very aggressive, and are hard to read. I have played a lot of hands of cards with a lot of Asians, and I am far more fearful of them then anybody else on the table.

2: There are very few Black People

There is usually a healthy representation of the Black population at the casino on any given day, except on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I believe that this is because the Black Community is far more family oriented when it comes to holidays then any other group in America. This would seem to coincide with many of the books I have read on African-American culture. The Black people that are at the casino on Thanksgiving and Christmas are either single men, or young couples.

3: There are many destitute White couples and singles

There are always many poor Whites at the casino on any given day, but you see many more show up on Thanksgiving then usual. It’s almost like somebody turned over a bunch of rocks. These people look like extras from Deliverance or The Outlaw Josey Wales.

I actually overheard this conversation today between a middle-aged, smelly, mullet-clad man in a filthy flannel shirt, and woman who was maybe 30*, but looked 50 with her skeletal body, “meth-mouth” and copious facial wrinkles.

“We gonna win us some, Dan?”
“Yep, we gonna win. We best!”
“Donna said she can keep the kids till three, then we gotta be back, she’s gotta work at four”
“Yep.”
“What we gonna play? They done got three-dollar blackjack, and I reckon that’s best, cuz we only got fifteen dollars to play, and rents gonna be due next week and shit”
“Naw lets play them nickel slots. Cant get no money playing the table games, dealer has the odds for’em.”

“You can’t win no money playin them slots! They got them machines rigged!”
“I don’t got to wait on the slots, and I don’t have to put up with no cock-suckin dealer, neither.”
“You’re an ass, Danny. A drunken ass, and you ain’t got no sense!”
“I ain’t got no sense? You’re the one wantin to give that fancy-pants fag dealer all our money!”
“Fuck you and your slot machines too!”

At this point she stalked off crying, and Danny went to the slot machines. I don’t know how well he did.

4: The casino is almost completely devoid of Latinos

The whole eight hours I was there today, I only saw two. I only saw one last year. I am always on the lookout for Latino women, as they rank just as high in my book next to Asian women, but the two Latinos I saw this year were both men.

5: The dealers are far less friendly

Understandable. They make very good money though, and should be more pleasant, even if they have to work on a holiday. But they aren’t. They have their guard down, so this gives you an opportunity.

I will give you a blackjack tip… When the dealer shows a 10 or an ace, and you are sitting at or near “third base,” watch the dealer’s facial expressions while they deal cards to the other players. They know what they have, and you can pick up a lot by watching the dealer’s reaction when people stand or hit, just like at poker. The main dealer at my table today would smirk when a player would hold a hand lower then him, and raise his eyebrows when you had a better hand then him. I won a lot of money tonight, not by playing “by the book,” but by watching the dealers face. You women should excel at this sort of thing; everybody knows that Women are the masters of non-verbal communication. The dealer will more often then not communicate his hand to you, if you are paying attention. Do not play at a table that has an Asian dealer, however, this is a good way to go broke.

-Tommy Masterson

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