A Theology Lesson

Since December 2004 The Lord God has blessed us with many spectacular demonstrations of his power and good works. First he sent the Holy Tsunami to crush the infidel Mohammedans on Indonesia, and the barbarian polytheists of Ceylon and the Subcontinent. For good measure, He also sent a stern warning to the Sodom of the South Pacific, Thailand. The good Christians of Australia were “strangely” spared. Plate tectonics indeed! This was nothing more then God giving a middle finger to the infidel Hindus and Muslims. And it was a warning: Come to Jesus soon or face more suffering! The Japanese were warned for years to change their ways, in fact the word “Tsunami” is Japanese. Their final lesson came when God blessed Albert Einstein, Enrico Fermi, Leo Slizard, J. Robert Oppenheimer and others with the intelligence to unlock His secrets of matter and energy to create the holy atomic bombs that sent 200,000 sinners, animalists and infidels to Hell in a flash. Japan now has a higher percentage of Christians then any other East Pacific Nation.

As America falls further and further into decadence, God has sent warnings and more warnings for us to change. First he allowed the hijacking of four of our airplanes by infidel Muslim radicals, then he allowed them to carry out their insidious plot to crash them into our buildings. Had we not degenerated into a nation of sex-crazed, drug addicted, alcoholic sodomites, he would have surely prevented the 9/11 attacks. Thankfully God allowed the plane heading for the home of the Christian George W. Bush to be retaken and crash before the infidels could do their terrible damage.

Earlier this year, God sent Hurricane Katrina to destroy New Orleans, second only to Las Vegas in terms of wickedness. Holy Katrina stopped the largest celebration of sodomy in the world that was to take place the next day, and she displaced hundreds of thousands of whores, drug-addicts, strippers, male prostitutes, wife beaters, adulterers, voodoo priests, and drug-pushers. As an added bonus, Holy Katrina destroyed dozens of gambling dens on the Gulf Coast. These sinners now have a chance to start over and change their ways. Katrina may be the most generous blessing that God has granted America in the last 50 years. God then sent Holy Rita a few weeks later as an exclamation point.

Two weeks ago, God turned His attention again to converting the unbelievers that follow Mohammed and whatever deity the Hindus were praying to that day. He caused an earthquake that sent as many as 80,000 wicked infidels to Satan, and destroyed hundreds of towns and villages. If these people continue to worship Allah and the dozens of Hindu gods, they can expect more peril. The final warning will be a nuclear war between India and Pakistan that will surly send millions to a fiery grave, only to find that they will live forever as supernatural beings in a fiery Hell.

This week, God sent Holy Hurricane Wilma (the strongest Tropical Cyclone ever recorded in the Atlantic basin) to destroy the Sodom and Gomorra of the Caribbean: Cozumel and Cancun. These two wicked cities-of-sin would be wise to take heed: “Change your ways, or the wrath of the Lord will again be upon you!”

-Rev. Thomas V. Masterson