Another Oldie

I wrote this on October 2, 2003 and sent it in a mass email.

Astrological Honesty


I have always been somewhat interested in astrology, found it highly interesting and all that, but until a very good friend of mine started telling me the about how in depth it really is, I never gave it more then a passing credence. I took it upon myself to research on the subject, and I have to admit that I was absolutely fascinated with what I found, (And not a little freaked out!) One thing I did notice however this tendency to gloss over each signs bad traits. Even when one was mentioned, it was usually followed by a “but.” I have prepared what I feel is an honest representation of the signs.

Aries:
Ever watch Wyle E Coyote charge head long after Roadrunner? Then you know what being an Aries is all about. Aries is full of desire, but lacks common sense. The average Aries is a raging alcoholic and spouse abuser. These are the people you see brawling at little league games.

Taurus:
When the most powerful earthquake in American history occurred near New Madrid, MO in the 19th century, the biggest river in America actually flowed the other way for a time. A short time. You need to have the most powerful shake up imaginable if you want to change the mind of these assholes…unless they haven’t made up their mind yet. Then you can pretty much mold them in whatever shape you want. Hamburger even.

Gemini:
All Gemini’s are manic-depressive or have more serious mental issues. The vast majority of Thai hookers are Gemini (men and women both). They have great mental abilities, but this is tempered by their cockamamie ideas, and unwarranted arrogance. Most Gemini’s die young. The most famous Gemini I can imagine was JFK.

Cancer:
Well put. These people are a detriment to the entire human race. They are very sensitive and caring…as long as you have money. Females tend to be gold-diggers, leeches and prostitutes. Males then to be… Well maybe in one area women have achieved equality with men.

Leo:
These people have an ego the size of the sun. Which is strange because the vast majority of Leo’s achieve practically nothing that matters in the real world. The stress they feel is great because the supposed king of the jungle (no lions live in the jungle BTW) is basically impotent. Most Leo’s are murders or rapists.

Virgo:
Every Virgo on the face of the earth has a feather duster in one hand, and a mirror in the other. If somebody isn’t around to tell the Virgo how attractive they are every 12 minutes, the Virgo will most likely commit suicide. Unless the house is dirty. Virgo men tend to be the “female” in their mostly homosexual relationships.

Libra:
Libras will do anything you want them to if you tell them how great they are. Almost all Libras die of venereal disease. Libra men will have sex with a snake if you hold it straight for them. Libra women believe themselves to be living works of art, and are usually fat, then they die of venereal disease or morbid obesity.

Scorpio:
The perfect asshole. Nobody likes Scorpio, and Scorpio likes nobody. Anybody that rubs you the wrong way, or tries to take advantage of you can safely assume is a Scorpio. Most of the men Hitler appointed to run his death camps was a Scorpio…that applied for the job.

Sagittarius:
Half man, half beast, all cocksucker. Most armed robbers are Sagittarius. These people usually end up as stand up comics, or prison bitches. This is the jackass at the bar who won’t shut up. This can also be the guy with the biker gang tattoos that is your moms “friend.”

Capricorn:
If they were to remake the astrological symbols, I believe this one would take the place of Libra as having the scales. The scales of justice. It seems that all Capricorns end up on trial for some kind of money laundering or investment scam. Many politicians are Capricorn…the ones that end up in Marion, IL.

Aquarius:
The water bearer indeed. This sign rains on everybody’s parade and generally makes everybody around them cringe when they come close. Possibly the most self-righteous, arrogant sign on the chart…and the ones lest justified to feel that way. Females will have 4 kids by 3 fathers by the time they are 25, (average) then tell you what’s wrong in your life. The males tend to be pedophiles.

Pisces:
The ultimate liars, suicidal and often vengeful. Ever watched a show about salmon spawning? There is always that shot of the bear plucking a juicy fish and devouring it. All Pisces share this fate. And they all know it. I find it ironic that the symbol of Jesus is a fish, yet no Pisces ever born shares a single trait with him. However the ever lovable fish-symbol shares many traits with Satan.

-Tommy Masterson