How Tommy Got Big Money

The following is a true story. I will try not to embellish the facts too much.

Back a few years ago in the post 9/11 months I moved from my personal Hell in Vernon, TX, back to my home: Johnson County, KS. I had a great job when I got back that was taken away from me in early August of 2002, and I did not work much until January of 2003.

I had been working at this new place about nine months this chick came to work with me. I was 27 and she was 19. She was a Jugglette, (a hard-core female fan of The Insane Clown Posse) and I was…well, me. She was exactly what I go for in a woman, and I made it a point to get in good with her. I am very good at this sort of thing. It DID help that she was hot, and we got along great, but that’s beside the point.

I hung out with her and her boyfriend, got them drinks at local bars, and they would tell me about Violent J and Shaggs2Dope. At one of these occasions, I asked her about a movie ad that I saw in an ICP CD cover: Big Money Hustlers. She told me that she that she had it, (she had everything that had to do with ICP) and would let me borrow it sometime.

For some reason that I do not remember, she left about two months before I quit the job myself. Before she left we exchanged numbers, and vowed to keep in contact. I invited her to my birthday party, where she almost died (literally) making an ass of herself. I had to carry her out to her car, and her friend drove home. After this incident I figured I was owed something. Big.

The Saturday before Christmas in 03’ we talked and set up a thing where she would come over and bring Big Money Hustlers for us to watch. In return, I would buy some booze (She was 20). She came over about 3pm and we went downtown to go to some head shops to look around. She claimed that there was this legal herb that we could buy (I don’t remember what it was called) and trip on, if smoked. She bought some, a very small glassine baggie for $25. We drove back to the OP, stopped by the liquor store, picked up supplies to make Tequila Sunrise’s, then rolled back to my house. It had snowed the day before; there was still slush on the streets.

It was about 7:15pm when we walked in my door, dirty shoes and all. She poured us some drinks, and then we smoked this “mystery” weed: it did nothing. We smoked some more. Nothing.

We decided to make some more drinks and watch the movie.

The movie was fantastic. It was every thing I thought it would be. I knew that I had to have it for my self, but how could I get it???

The Plot

After we had had several drinks and watched the movie once, something came to me. A line from Braveheart: “A king must find the good in any situation.”

From Edward I’s advice I came up with my plot:

I want to nail this chick, but I also want her movie. I will try for both: If fortune favors me, then I can have the movie and the pussy. If fortune fails, then I can still have her movie, no matter what. She is young, and is likely naive enough to think that I am not after her ass, or is at least deluding herself that she can play me. If I make some moves, she will respond or freak out. If she responds, then all is well, and I can take her to bed. Then in the morning I will ask to “borrow” the movie, and she WILL leave it here.

If she does not respond to my advances, then she will want to leave quickly. In her haste I can ask to “borrow” the movie and she will agree. She will see this as a “clean exit” and view the movie as a “ticket” out of my web. I then can keep the movie forever. When she calls me again, I will make sexual innuendos at every opportunity, so she will never want to pick up the movie.

This whole thought flashed through my head in about a ½ second when I conceived it.

We restarted the movie and watched it again.

We were having a good time, feeling the tequila and some weed-like effects from the $25 bag when the movie ended. Time to make my move. It’s a checkmate either way, I can’t loose!

Were both lying on the couch, when I ask her if she wanted to kiss me. She stared at me blankly, so I asked her again. She started to tense up and pull away; that’s when I knew the movie was mine! By this time I had a good amount of booze in me, so I slid over to her and tried to get it for about 15 minutes.

She felt the sudden need to call her friend on the cell, and tell her she was about to come over. When she was about to leave my arrogant abode, I asked her if could borrow the movie. She was more then happy to let me keep it, it was her ticket out: My ticket as well.

I still have the movie, and I am in fact watching it right now. I have had it for almost two years, almost 8x longer then I would have had the jugglette.

I am the fucking Master of the World!

-Tommy Masterson