In My Country There is Problem

Yesterday at work, a nice middle aged woman suggested that I get a girlfiend. I in turn suggested that she clean out her desk and turn in her security badge. This incident got me thinking about my life, and why I find it so hard to meet quality women. In the past, I have turned down many offers and have avoided women that I knew were interested because they did not meet my standards. Shallow? Not at all! Choosing a partner is probably the most important decision somebody makes in their entire life, and many, many people choose the wrong person, mostly because they were so wrapped up in their emotions that they failed to objectively consider the character of the person they were with. As I have made this mistake myself, I devised a “three strike” system that help weed out potential “applicants” so I can disregard them at once, and not have to worry about it later.

For starters, if your not Alizee, this is big black mark against you, but since most women I meet aren’t Alizee, I go on to the next check: Are they Asian? If they are not Asian, that would also be a first strike. Below are the others things I look for. Failing two or more of the following checks for a non-Asian constitute a strike-out:

Age 25 – 35

Reasonably attractive (I decide what this means)

No more than one visible tattoo, no tattoos on the wrist or neck, no tattoos that are covered by underwear, no more than four tattoos total.

No more than one body part pierced on the head besides the ears

Never been part of the “club scene”, and this includes any regular attendance at dance clubs, where I have seen some stuff go on that they don’t allow at Bazooka’s

Doesn’t live with parents

No more than one previous marriage (You can only say “I made a mistake” once here)

NO KIDS (Kids count as two strikes)

No picture exists of you naked or topless

Never taken anti-depressants

Never taken any hard drugs

Not a member of PETA, or any other kook organization

No gold diggers (Spot um a mile away, these are the women who’s first or second question is “So, what do you do?”)

No high-maintenance women, emotionally or financially

Ex lovers can be counted on fingers

Never had an STD

Doesn’t practice any new-age religions, Wicca, etc.

Since this system disqualifies 99% of American women, it's no wonder why I have a problem finding the quality babes. Until then, there is always the China Villa (walk-ins welcome!).

-Tommy