A Partial Manifesto

Yet again, my mother is asking me why don’t I “find a nice girl and settle down.” Why not indeed!

I have tried to explain to her that the benefit-to-cost ratio of a 21st century marriage is unacceptable to me. With community property laws, no-fault divorce and casual sex, there is no reason for me to get married. According to statistics, my annotated wife has about a 33% chance of cheating within 10 years, and I have about a 50/50 chance of cheating on my hypothetical wife within the same time frame. I submit to you, that, these are in fact some very good reasons not to be married. If you want me to get married, lobby congress to change the laws, don’t bitch at me. Be glad that I haven’t shoved 2-3 bastard children into your care, like most dudes like me do. Take heart, dear mother, you have raised an extremely wise and ingenious son.

I do not hate women at all. I, in fact, love and respect women. I love to see women at the head of corporations; I love to see women in the military. What I would love more then a blow-job from Alicia Silverstone is to see women being forced to register with the Selective Service, just like men.

The only thing a woman can’t do is sire a child, as the only thing a man can’t do is give birth. If a man is to don a bulging bellied lead-loaded, “sympathy apron” so he can “experience” what its like to be pregnant, maybe the woman should don a 7” strap-on “sympathy penis” with lead weights and be injected with testosterone so she can “experience” what it is like to want to jam your meat into any female hole available. That would be TOTAL equality, in my book.

If you are a feminist, I ask you…do you REALLY want total equality? You can have it, you know. Would you trade your entire political platform, for every thing you ever wanted?

I doubt it.

-Tommy Masterson