Turkmenbashi (1940-2006)

I was greatly saddened this day when I found out that one of my idols had passed away. The Great Leader, Saparmurat Atayevich Niyazov, known to the west as Turkmenbashi, His Excellency Saparmurat Niyazov Turkmenbashi, President of Turkmenistan and Chairman of the Cabinet of Ministers, has died of heart disease at the age of 66.


As you well know, I have a special place in my heart for megalomaniacal, personality cult forming dictators; Turkmenbashi was to me the pinnacle of benevolent tyranny. While I won’t give you a history lesson here, I will list some of the reasons why I feel that Niyazov is one of the greatest dictators of all time:

1 He ordered Doctors in Turkmenistan to swear an oath to Turkmenbashi, rather then taking the Hippocratic Oath.

2. He commissioned an Ice Palace to be constructed that could hold 1,000 people… in the Karakum Desert, one of the hottest places on earth.

3. Video monitors were required in all public places... airing his speeches

4. In order to pass the test to get a drivers license, you had to pass a political test about your knowledge of Turkmenbashi’s writings.

5. He had gold statues and busts constructed of himself and placed all over the country, including one that always rotated to face the sun.



6. He commissioned the construction of largest Mosque in Central Asia, and named it… the Palace of Turkmenbashi. Not even Napoleon, Idi Amin, or Jean-Bedel Bokassa had the balls to spend nearly a ¼ of their GDP on a holy temple, and then name it after themselves. Brilliant!



7. Turkmanbashi had his face put on every bank note and every coin, and renamed the days of the week and the months of the year after himself and his family.

This could go on for many, many more pages, but I think you get the idea. The world will miss Turkmenbashi, but I will always remember him dearly.

-Tommy Masterson