How to Prevent Another “9/11”

We should keep the x-ray machines and the bomb sniffing dogs, but we can easily dispense with the extensive passenger screenings, the “no fly” list, and random searches. All that needs to be done is to issue random passengers .45 Caliber automatics loaded with Glaser rounds. Let’s say 1 gun for every 7 passengers.

Sure a gun may be issued to a terrorist or a lunatic, but hey look at it this way:

You’re on a Boeing 747 with 209 other passengers. 30 guns have been issued at random, and a terrorist happens to get one. So what? They can’t shoot through the cockpit door, and contrary to what you see in movies, shooting a window in an airplane while in-flight will not cause an explosion. However, 29 .45 caliber Glaser Safety Slugs to the head of a terrorist will.

If a terrorist is caught alive while trying to hijack a plane, he/she will be summarily aero-keelhauled. The plane that was the scene of the attempted hijacking will land and refuel, while a boom is attached to the nose of the aircraft. One end of long, high tensile synthetic ropes will be attached to the boom , and ankle harnesses that contain terrorist(s) at the other. The plane will then taxi and take-off as normal and then fly, terrorist(s) in tow, to the whatever country the terrorist(s) came from, landing to refuel and continuing on as necessary. The host country will then prepare a celebration for the passengers upon arrival. The remains of the terrorist(s) will be added into a communal stew, that all passengers will feast on when the meal is served. The host county will be required to provide a virgin for every passenger for the purpose of “conjugal stress-relief.” If a passenger does not desire a virgin for CSR, then a peasant may be provided for a beating with a wooden rod no wider then the said beaters diameter of un-erect penis, or the diameter of the areola, and no longer then ½ the beaters standing height. After the beatings and/or deflorations, the passengers will each be assigned rooms for 24 hours rest in the finest hotel in the country, with virgins or whipping-peasants, while the aircraft is repaired and refueled. Before departure, the right ears of each passenger's virgin or whipping-peasant will be amputated and polymerized, then coated in 24 carat gold. A 24 carat gold chain will be threaded through the lobe and presented to the passengers as an official government apology.

When the plane arrives at the origin county, each passenger will be presented with a white t-shirt embroidered with “I Survived The Hijacking Of Flight XXX.”

I believe that these measures will prevent all future hijackings.

-Tommy Masterson