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Thursday, July 28, 2005

How to Prevent Another “9/11”

We should keep the x-ray machines and the bomb sniffing dogs, but we can easily dispense with the extensive passenger screenings, the “no fly” list, and random searches. All that needs to be done is to issue random passengers .45 Caliber automatics loaded with Glaser rounds. Let’s say 1 gun for every 7 passengers.

Sure a gun may be issued to a terrorist or a lunatic, but hey look at it this way:

You’re on a Boeing 747 with 209 other passengers. 30 guns have been issued at random, and a terrorist happens to get one. So what? They can’t shoot through the cockpit door, and contrary to what you see in movies, shooting a window in an airplane while in-flight will not cause an explosion. However, 29 .45 caliber Glaser Safety Slugs to the head of a terrorist will.

If a terrorist is caught alive while trying to hijack a plane, he/she will be summarily aero-keelhauled. The plane that was the scene of the attempted hijacking will land and refuel, while a boom is attached to the nose of the aircraft. One end of long, high tensile synthetic ropes will be attached to the boom , and ankle harnesses that contain terrorist(s) at the other. The plane will then taxi and take-off as normal and then fly, terrorist(s) in tow, to the whatever country the terrorist(s) came from, landing to refuel and continuing on as necessary. The host country will then prepare a celebration for the passengers upon arrival. The remains of the terrorist(s) will be added into a communal stew, that all passengers will feast on when the meal is served. The host county will be required to provide a virgin for every passenger for the purpose of “conjugal stress-relief.” If a passenger does not desire a virgin for CSR, then a peasant may be provided for a beating with a wooden rod no wider then the said beaters diameter of un-erect penis, or the diameter of the areola, and no longer then ½ the beaters standing height. After the beatings and/or deflorations, the passengers will each be assigned rooms for 24 hours rest in the finest hotel in the country, with virgins or whipping-peasants, while the aircraft is repaired and refueled. Before departure, the right ears of each passenger's virgin or whipping-peasant will be amputated and polymerized, then coated in 24 carat gold. A 24 carat gold chain will be threaded through the lobe and presented to the passengers as an official government apology.

When the plane arrives at the origin county, each passenger will be presented with a white t-shirt embroidered with “I Survived The Hijacking Of Flight XXX.”

I believe that these measures will prevent all future hijackings.

-Tommy Masterson

Read this, It will make you a better person

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

This Would Make a Good YTMND....

Sunday, July 24, 2005

The Name Game

I have been asked several times why I spell my screen name the way I do.There is a very simple explanation to for this. I used to be an EQ junkie. My first character was on a “blue” (non-PVP) server, but I was soon lured to the dark-side by the tantalizing possibility of killing other players. I could write a 1000 page book about the heady days of the race wars that took place soon after the Vallon Zek server went live, but this is a blog so I will spare you.

When I was creating my PVP character, I wanted to name him “Vengeance.” He was a going to be Necromancer, so I thought "Vengeance" would be appropriate. Check out this definition:

From princton.edu:
Vengeance: The act of taking revenge (harming someone in retaliation for something harmful that they have done) especially in the next life; "Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord"--Romans 12:19; "For vengeance I would do nothing. This nation is too great to look for mere revenge"--James Garfield; "he swore vengeance on the man who betrayed him"; "the swiftness of divine retribution"

Nice, eh?

For whatever reason, the EQ name filters wouldn’t let me use it, so after a few alternate spellings I got the name VENJANZ through. To all you pseudo-psychologists out there, don’t read too much into my choice of name. I chose it to be intimidating in the context of the game, not to make a statement about myself.

After I had made a name for my self as being absolutely ruthless while killing “lighties,” I was asked to join a guild. I eventually became the leader of the guild, and created my universal screen name of Venjanz so my people could get into contact with me. I have kept it ever since, because It was just easier that way.

Here is a pic of EQ Venjanz....



-Tommy Masterson

Read this, It will make you a better person

Friday, July 22, 2005

Fuck the ESRB

The news that the ESRB hanged an “Adults Only” tag on GTA: San Andreas may be the most idiotic thing I have ever read in my entire life. In a game where it is virtually impossible to play for more then 30 seconds without committing a murder, they put this game on the same shelf as “Virgin College Sluts 7,” because of “graphic sexual content.” I checked my progress on GTA last night. With 25% of the game completed, I had killed 65 cops, 167 gang members, and 534 civilians. At this rate, by the time I have completed the game, I will have killed more people in GTA then were killed in the 9/11 attacks. But the game gets an “Adult” rating because of a dry-humping mini-game that was disabled and you have to actively seek a patch from a 3rd party to get it to work? God bless America!

If any of you have San Andreas with the “Hot Coffee” patch, and have witnessed this “graphic sexual content,” I ask what is so graphic about it? The sex scenes in any Cinamax “After-Dark” movie are like a gaping anus hermaphrodite movie in comparison. Keep your copies of this version of San Andreas. I have a feeling they will be worth a lot on E-Bay in a couple of years.

-Tommy Masterson

Read this, It will make you a better person

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Everybody is Prejudice

Prejudice needs to be disassociated with the word discrimination. The two are not as synonymous as many people may think.

From Wikipedia:
Prejudice is, as the name implies, the process of "pre-judging" something. In general, it implies coming to a judgment on the subject before learning where the preponderance of the evidence actually lies, or formation of a judgement without direct or actual experience.

Let’s think about this for a moment. Who among us can not be prejudice? We all judge things on a daily basis, very often with subjects we know little or nothing about.

Now socially speaking, as in the context as the word is normally used; we are all definitely prejudice, because usually it the course of least regret when we are making a decision.

Here are some situations I would like you to consider. Try you best to be objective, and see if you could not be prejudice:

1) Your car broke down on the side of the road at late at night. Your cell phone is dead; and it’s five mile walk to the nearest exit. A pickup truck pulls behind you with two bearded men in grimy coveralls, and offers you a ride to the nearest telephone.

Or, an expensive sports car pulls up behind you with two young men in nice clothes, offering you the same assistance.

Who would you trust more?

2) You get a knock on your door at 2am. You look through the peephole and see two black men. You ask them through the door what they want, and they reply that their car broke down and would like to use your phone to call a tow truck. They came to your house because they saw a light on.

Or, the same situation with two pretty white women.

Who would you open the door for?

3) Your teenage daughter brings home a skin head in punk regalia, and informs you that they are going on a date.

Or, she brings home a clean cut football player.

Who would you be more comfortable with?

Be honest with yourself: What you would do in any of these situations? Just for fun I will tell you that in all of the three “Or” situations, a well known crime occurred.

1) A stranded woman passed on the offer of a ride by some auto mechanics in a truck, to later accept a ride with two young men in a sports car. She was raped and murdered by them.
2) In a rash of robberies, two women would ring the bells of their targets at night asking for assistance, when the victim opened the door, 2 men would rush from around the corner and tie up the victim, then the four would rob the house.
3) Forbidden to go to the high school prom with her new punk boyfriend by her wealthy parents, a popular junior accepted an invitation to the prom from a star football player. The girl was found 3 days later having apparently died of a GHB overdose. It was later determined that she had been raped by three different men while unconscious.

The lesson here is that judging somebody as bad before you get to know them, can be even worse then judging somebody as good before you get to know them.

Best bet is to think of EVERYBODY as a crooked son (or daughter) of a bitch, just like I do. I can't tell the sheep from the goats, so that makes you all goats.

-Tommy Masterson

Read this, It will make you a better person

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Alizee Ist Der Tod Von Mir...


Yet another gratuitous picture of Alizee:



This is the most attractive woman on Earth. If you disagree, you're a fag.
Funny translation from a German CD cover:

ALIZÉE - Moi... Lolita (MCD 2001) (Polydor) "Moi... Lolita" was the summer hit in France and is now also in Germany on the advance in the Charts. The Song expressed of the attractive 16-jaehrigen ALIZÉE, which embodies the Songtitel perfectly image-moderately, is an absolute ear worm, which has a nice 80's Feeling and between Vanessa Paradis and France Gall be arranged somewhere can. Was written the song of Mylene Farmer, which one hears also over-clearly. The CD contains 6 mixes the title in nearly 30 minutes, whereby the "radios Edit" and the "single are best version". The "Extended Remix" takes up the principle of the Maxisingle from the 80's perfectly, then there is still another more modern mixes with one RWSBY, a Dub mixes and a Piano version, which is not overwhelming all nicely, but. Naturally stands and falls the Song with childlike, evenly lolitahaften, image of ALIZÉE, which convinces however quite also gesanglich. For a long time no such a commercial Popsong drug me along and will procure themselves surely as soon as possible in such a way and will hope I the album "Gourmandises" that still more Songs are contained of this kind. (A.P.)

I have naked pictures of Alizee, but I don't look at them. Frankly, I don't want to cheat on my imagination.



Read this, It will make you a better person

Monday, July 11, 2005

HAHHAAHHAHAHAHAH Part 2

Updated: 7/15/05
I think it's time to think about the wisdom of living in ...eh...Well the flowered state is spared this time...now Texas is the target. In my mind, there is no fate too horrible for Texas.




Read this, It will make you a better person

Sunday, July 10, 2005

I Found the Unsuspecting Masses

I will now be giving advice on www.answerology.com. I was emailed a link to this site by a woman who felt that it would help me. Maybe it will Winter, but not before I do my dirty deeds there. This will be a great place to spread my poisonous rhetoric.

Bonus:

A gratuitous pic of Alizee:


Ohh mama...

Read this, It will make you a better person

Saturday, July 09, 2005

A Partial Manifesto

Yet again, my mother is asking me why don’t I “find a nice girl and settle down.” Why not indeed!

I have tried to explain to her that the benefit-to-cost ratio of a 21st century marriage is unacceptable to me. With community property laws, no-fault divorce and casual sex, there is no reason for me to get married. According to statistics, my annotated wife has about a 33% chance of cheating within 10 years, and I have about a 50/50 chance of cheating on my hypothetical wife within the same time frame. I submit to you, that, these are in fact some very good reasons not to be married. If you want me to get married, lobby congress to change the laws, don’t bitch at me. Be glad that I haven’t shoved 2-3 bastard children into your care, like most dudes like me do. Take heart, dear mother, you have raised an extremely wise and ingenious son.

I do not hate women at all. I, in fact, love and respect women. I love to see women at the head of corporations; I love to see women in the military. What I would love more then a blow-job from Alicia Silverstone is to see women being forced to register with the Selective Service, just like men.

The only thing a woman can’t do is sire a child, as the only thing a man can’t do is give birth. If a man is to don a bulging bellied lead-loaded, “sympathy apron” so he can “experience” what its like to be pregnant, maybe the woman should don a 7” strap-on “sympathy penis” with lead weights and be injected with testosterone so she can “experience” what it is like to want to jam your meat into any female hole available. That would be TOTAL equality, in my book.

If you are a feminist, I ask you…do you REALLY want total equality? You can have it, you know. Would you trade your entire political platform, for every thing you ever wanted?

I doubt it.

-Tommy Masterson

Read this, It will make you a better person

Friday, July 08, 2005

Escort Review: Candy

I felt a bit lonely after “WWE Smackdown!” tonight. Jess is out of town, so I decided to call the ye’ ole’ escort service.

My mother used to say:
“Hookers are like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna git...”

I called up “Victorian Dreams” and requested a date. After they called back and verified my identity, they asked me what I was looking for. I told them I wanted a medium to tall short-haired Asian. VD told me no Asians were available until 3am.

Fuck, plan B.

I told VD that my next choice was a tall red-head. The nice lady told me that my date would be over in 20 minutes,

“Great,” I replied.

“Candy” arrived 40 minutes later in tow with a meth addled toothless “bodyguard.” Candy was indeed a tall red-head. She had on a short black dress with black thigh-high stockings. I would judge Candy's age to be about 25; however with the lines in her face she appeared to be at least 30. We negotiated the price; $100 per hour, and Candy sent the bodyguard out to the 2000 Chevy Impala.

Being the gentleman that I am, I offered Candy a drink, and tried to get to know my lady a bit before I rammed her. She told me that she had been in KC for a month, and was escorting so she could pay her way through law school. I thought that was the funniest shit ever, and I laughed so hard that my rum and coke shot explosively out of my nose. Candy seemed offended by my outburst, so I explained why I found her statement so ironic. She started laughing too...what a gal!

Candy told me that she was from Alabama, and had 2 brothers, and…this is about when I stopped listening. When Candy finally shut up, I told her that she may be more comfortable without her tight dress on. Candy slowly took it off, and then posed in her black bra, panties and stockings. The bitch looked good, but I noticed that she hadn’t shaved her “area” in a few weeks, and there also seemed to be a strange odor wafting from her direction: Sort of mix between Wal-Mart perfume, sweat, and antibiotic ointment. I also noticed that the shape of Candy's hips indicated that she was a mother. This was not unexpected, of course.

I asked Candy to dance for me, so she did. Very erotic, especially considering that she had no music to dance to. After watching Candy gyrate her body for awhile, I noticed that 30 minutes had passed, so I decided that I needed to wrap this up soon to avoid getting fucked and screwed at the same time. I told Candy to take off her bra, (she was about a 36C) and to have a seat. With a devious blue-eyed and lavender-lipped smile, she swayed over to me, and sat on my lap. The rest is history.

The Review:
Candy: “Victorian Dreams”
(Out of 5)
Body: 3.5
Personality: 5
Technique: 3
Outfit: 4
Scent: 2
Hygene: 1.5
Cost/Time: $100/hr X 1.33/hr=$133
Round-up: $7 (tip)
Total cost: $140

Comments: Candy was above expectations. I would say she was worth the $140. While her pubic area would benefit from a razor and a wash, Candy was otherwise acceptable for the cost. Standard but well executed technique, appropriate moans, etc.

Overall rating: 3.2 out of 5

I will review more escorts as I buy them.

-Tommy Masterson

Read this, It will make you a better person

Thursday, July 07, 2005

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA!!