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Saturday, January 07, 2006

I’m a Fuc#*ng Liar

I tell lots of lies. I do not lie to make myself feel better, and I do not lie to stroke my ego, but to see just how stupid my fellow man is, and laugh at them. Below are lies I have told in no particular order:

1: Stacy Ferguson from the Black-Eyed Peas is my cousin.

I tell this one a lot. She has a nebulous background and with the way I look I can say that my grandfather’s bastard son fathered Stacy. Works good, I can tell you… this may be the most believable lie that I tell to strangers.

2: My father was the head of the KGB in the late 60’s

Yeah I have gotten this one past a couple of people, including a Vietnam vet that had a flash back when I told him my fictional father’s heritage. It got so bad that we almost had to call the police; his flash back was so strong... He kept saying…

“You GOOK! You fucking SLOPE! I will cut out your eyes and skull fuck you! I will shit in your head and fuck your sister-san! You want to buy this flute? I fucked your sister with it! FUCK YOU, CHARLEY!”

My dad was not the head of the KGB that was just something that I said; to be funny that’s what I do…fucker can’t take a joke. Oh well everybody in the store had a laugh after he left. I had a great time fucking the female music teachers so I was non-pulsed by “The Nam” boy’s words.

3: I was in two low budget “Sin-City” porn movies when I was 19

I tell people this one too. I can easily describe the Klieg lights, the dozens of people around, how the woman couldn’t get wet and then had a “coke-convulsion” during the scene. How the producer screwed me out of ½ my contract… they are a bunch of muthafuckaz! That’s what I tell people that ask about my porn days!

4: Yeah, I respect you

Hehe, I respect the way your ass shakes and I respect the way your breasts look in that shirt… If you trust me it’s at your own risk… just like if you say that you love me. I respect they way that you are moving your ass on my crotch.

NO REALLY I RESPECT THAT!

5: That was Funny,

It was not funny; I am saying that because I want to fuck you.

6: You look HOT!

I will say anything that I think will give me a better chance of slipping up in you.

Yes I lie, and so do you. Lie to me, baby! it is better then the truth!

-Tommy

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not even going to touch this one...

2/14/2006 6:35 PM  

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